changes and new beginnings!

So, if you have kept up with my blog for a long time, you will notice that I have made some changes, mainly to the cosmetics of my page. I tried to just ditch this and get on WordPress, but there are blogs I like following on this site and I couldn't really do both- so I'm sticking with this site. So, theres a new name. I still believe that I am giving my all to living for the glory of God, but I think that my new "title" better reflects how I think I am going about that. My hope and prayer is that my life would as closely as possible follow the life that Jesus lived. I'm learning (and will be learning a lot more) about the Trinity; how the Father, Son, and Spirit really and truly relate to one another and how the Trinity relates to us - human kind. One book I'm reading for class- i highly recommend you look it up- The Great Dance. I've only read the intro and first chapter, but it is a short book that searches out how to relate living this life here on earth and finding joy in God- the Trinity. His metaphors sometimes drive me crazy, but his heart and message are amazing. A little bit about where I am now- it has really been a while since a real and true update. Living in McMinnville, OR. it is about 45-60 mins south of Portland, and west of Salem. It is a beautiful small town with character and charm. I was just offered a job (and gladly accepted) at the local Starbucks! I start bright and early tomorrow morning. This has been a long time coming, as I have been looking (like a madwoman) for a job since mid June. As most of you know I recently got married (we celebrated (by saying yay!) our first month together just this past week!) and Josh and I have been praying (as have MANY others) for me to get a job so we can continue paying rent and eating food :) Praise the Lord our prayers have been answered! But, not before God blew us away with the generosity of people around us. I tell you... God has blessed us- with food (among many other things). We were given box after box of bulk foods, everything under the sun it seemed! It was fabulous- honoestly, other than bread, I don't have to shop for the rest of September, and there are particular items we may not ever need to buy again (like rice... seriously, we already had about 10lbs, and we were given like a 15lb bag!). We were even able to share some with our neighbor in the apartment below us (gave her about 8lbs of rice... her eyes were big!) It was wonderful to really be able to share the blessing! Things have still been pretty up and down - those of you who are married I'm sure will understand and remember the beginnings of married life- fun as they may be, there is a lot of adjusting that has to happen. And since no one really likes change (even good change!) things can get sticky when everything is changing at once. Luckily, my husband has many things that are not changing (because between the two of us, I looove change in light of how much he hates it). I really think if he were in my shoes (new hometown, new friends, new job, new weight, new school, and new marriage/home) he'd probably be having a really hard time. I think the only thing that isn't new for me right now is my hair. My brown hair is growing, but that isn't new, and it's pretty and it's been behaving nicely, and it's just very nice to have something that hasn't changed in the past several months. Of course, we're forgetting something. God hasn't changed on me in the past months- but my view certainly has. Going to a fairly liberal school (coming from a fairly conservative background and deciding to sit comfortably in the middle...) I have had to really figure out where I stand on certain things and what I believe is important and foundational. Josh and I had a lot of discussions (and some arguments) of things like this when we were dating, because it was my first year at this seminary and I was really struggling to get my feet grounded. To me, from where I was standing- josh and my schooling were polar opposites. There was no way to reconcile them- and that frightened me. However, I have been able to get a firmer grip on things and see the beauty in the tension held by the differing points of view! That has really helped me gain confidence again in my faith and feel free enough to lead and serve in some capacity! I am really excited about my classes this semester and I'm hoping that I'll be able to get a lot more out of them since I only have 2 instead of 5 :) I am also elated to be starting my job as a barista tomorrow, learning and training to do and be my best! Sometimes, change is hard, and it can really paralyze people when they are too afraid to embrace it. I want to try and end each of my blogs with a little nugget of something to think upon and figure out what it means for you. Change is growth. If things in your life aren't changing- you aren't growing. 1 Corinthians 11:1 <3

inspiration from boredom

Well, I have finished my first year of seminary. Two semesters of 8.5 credit hours, plus working full time. Wow. I was crazy for attempting this... but by the grace of God, seminary has finished and went well, the first semester getting all A's and this past one getting mostly all A's. I have less than 2 months of work left to go and I think with all this being said, it is safe to call this madness a success. But at what expense? This one year alone has brought me to a place of burn-out. I have decided as I look for a job that I am done with close people ministry for a little while, because this job has really taken its toll on me.

You know what? Ironically, I just remembered one of my last classes of the semester. Spiritual Life, on Monday we talked about love. He started the class talking about how many clergy get burned out... something like 99.9% Then we spent the whole class talking about why. The number one reason? (according to his research and this one book) Not personally knowing that God loves them. Developing a professional relationship with the Lord, but not a personal relationship. Dealing with God as though He were for everyone in the world except for "me". Do you know how much God loves you... YOU? Do I really know how much God loves me? I don't think I realize half the time that God calls me first to know His love, for me; long before He calls me to share it with others He wants me to know He loves me.


I wanna encourage you... whoever still reads my blog... take some time; sit and think, really ponder God's love for you. Do something to make it seem new and fresh, something completely and utterly astonishing... God is crazy about you!

Blessed

In one of my classes this semester at George Fox, we've been talking about the path of the Spiritual Life. What does it mean to be blessed? Often we use the word when we receive something material or when someone we love was sick and has gotten better. There are also many other times we use the word "blessed" but what does is it really mean? Well, it involves suffering, does it not? "Blessed are the poor in spirit". I think that suffering and persevering through suffering produces blessing- or feeling blessed.

I am blessed. I was bored this evening and spent some time looking through some of my old computer documents. I found a lot of old blog posts about or letters to and from former boyfriends. Its amazing how much I've thought about my past relationships since I've been with Josh-- and it hasn't been that long. I've thought about the joys and the sad times with the past beaus... and how each relationship ended- and why...

Don't get me wrong, Josh and are not in a bed of roses... we have differences, we have disagreements- I'm not sitting here thinking "oh things are perfect now!" I just realize how blessed I am to have gone through my past and to end up where I am now.

Yeah, one letter that I re-read tonight, I was reminded how angry it made me when I read it the first time. It made me so angry I cussed more than I'd like to admit. At the time I had to find the best way to respond and not hurt him even more than I already had. It all ended well actually, but even so, I know that even if/when I make Josh angry, he will never treat me that way, nor will he talk to me the way others have in the past-- and for that I am blessed.

:)

January 1st... from 2007 to 2011

(I started this on Jan. 11th, but just now finished it... oops)
I suppose it's about time for me to process through January 1st of this year. Ever since 2007, 1/1 has held a different meaning for me, even I don't realize it that very day.

I remember that New Years Eve and day quite clearly... I spent the evening with my bff from high school Megan, we watched like 3 or 4 movies, including the Devil Wears Prada. We had a lot of fun and we slept in on the first. I was asleep when my mom called me, around 12 noon. She told me the news of grandma's death, and tears immediately formed in my eyes. I had super mixed feelings because I was so grateful that she was no longer in pain and that she was with grandpa; but I knew that nothing would ever be the same and I missed her terribly. I also remember thinking how cool it was that she made it into the new year, even if only for a few hours.

Since that year, I have spent sometime at the beginning of each year reflecting on her and how her life affected mine. Or at least thinking about how much she meant to me. This year is a little different because I don't want to coat my writing with sadness of missing her but rather rejoicing for having known her. She was an amazing woman, and anyone who did share any part of life with her is/was truly blessed by her presence. From spoiling the grandkids, to taking care of her church, to keeping her roudy neighbors in line - she was one cool kid. i loved her.

more than a New Year's Resolution

I've never really gotten much into the tradition of making a new year's resolution, mainly because I know that I wouldn't stick to it, and I'd rather make a genuine change when the desire is truly there. Nonetheless, it is valuable to look at starting a new year with goals and ideas of handling yourself better, growing closer to Christ, and loving others in a deeper way. At this point in my life, the changes I would like to look into revolve around my school and work- How can I give more? How can I do better? My work is both a ministry and a business wrapped into one, which is wonderful and difficult at the same time. My school (seminary) is wonderful and something I really want to get as much out of as I can...

This leaves me with a dilemma: I want to give more to my ministry, and I want to be more present in my schooling. Last semester I gave all I could to both and it didn't feel like enough; and my boss has mentioned that this second semester at work needs to be better than last semester (in that we as a staff need to be more present and give more to the students we're ministering to). How can I do both? When I was already giving my all, how can I give more? I know there are small things I can do better, cleaning the dorm with more diligence, helping to decorate the spaces with more finesse, but what he's (my boss) is really asking for is more emotional presence, to give even more to the students with our caring and servant hood. It's a valid request. Legitimate, probably even necessary. But can I do it? Correction, can I do it and still be fully present at seminary? I'm honestly not sure.

I'm not really sure where I'm going with this, mostly just processing. Today is a day off, so I'm sitting in a coffee shop, spending time in prayer and devotional reading. I love this job, this ministry, and I want to continue here and give all I can to this ministry- but I would hate to look back on my seminary experience and wish I had been able to give/get more through this experience.

the coolest thing in all this- i know God has a plan- i don't know what it is, but i know He's got me in His hands.

craziness and blessedness

Sometimes I wish I could share wonderful words of wisdom and challenge and biblical insight in my blogs here, but I've sort of come to terms with the fact that as I share parts and pieces of my life on here, I am sharing what I know best, and showing you how I've seen God working- and sometimes that is simply wonderful.

Things have been so crazy here, for me specifically trying to find the balance between my studies at George Fox Seminary and my time here at Western Mennonite School in the dorm with the international students- and I've entered into a wonderful relationship with a man of God that I couldn't be more grateful for! However, my heart is so deeply involved in all these things that it has become a struggle for me to find the balance in serving God in all three! I need to do well in my studies, to learn materials and gain from what I am paying for (plus I'm loving every minute of it - even when it frustrates me!); secondly, this job as a dorm leader has become so much dearer to me than I expected in the least, I love these students, I long for them to know God and know of His love for each of them, and I long to see them grow in their time here! I want to give my everything while I am on- and then there's Josh, everything about a new relationship is exciting and I want to be fully present when I am with him as well. It is a balance that is more than possible, even when things with the students are drama-filled and harder than stone, I know that God is moving and working in their hearts and in mine!

Today I had a wonderful lunch conversation with a new friend, let's say her name is Rachel, and we talked about many things, from lacking in sleep to our relationship with the Lord. It has been so wonderful to find friends at the seminary that I can relate to and talk about classes with, as well as God and faith and just life in general!

I still feel like there is so much more to share, but I am out of words to share at the minute, hah so I shall leave you with this thought for now...
"people who are not in community are snottier than those who are in community." - John Ortberg.

:-)

Life

What is there to say about life? Oh well there is lots, I wish I had all my recent notes from classes and reading materials with me because I could probably write the longest post known to man with all of it. Life is a blessed gift. This new adventure I have embarked on is certainly a blessing from the Lord, the past wee while of my life (like since December) has been a low valley that has been rough travels, but God showed me the way to start climbing the hill again. It has been a lovely stroll, so much beauty and excitement as I'm starting to see the positives coming back and the sun is starting to shine again, and oh is it shining brightly!

Okay, and now to be less metaphorical and cryptic. Towards the end of the summer I began to hear God's voice again, telling me it was becoming the time for me to come out of this darkness, i could sense it with all my being. I was getting restless because I knew the sun was coming but I couldn't see it yet. It was hard at times to trust that He would do what He had promised, but I knew He would within His timing. Since having moved out here I have seen God fulfill His promise in so many ways, in ways I did not expect and ways I didn't really even think I was ready for!! God has blessed me with amazing friends (and a special guy!) and just a really great surrounding of strong Christians who are challenging me and confirming me in my walk. And I am getting the grand experience of living life with people who have no interest in God or spirituality, and it's been a real blessing to see and learn the best way of doing life with them! I have really grown to love these students I'm working with (and it's only been 2.5 weeks!) and I am so excited to see them grow over this coming year! I can't wait to see how God works and moves in them, and to join in fighting the inevitable spiritual battles that will come in the way of these kids' souls. The war is great and strong and sometimes it seems overbearing, but with God in control nothing is too great for us!

Wow, so I can still write a long blog even without my notes... just wait till I get ahold of them and a good internet connection at the same time! ;)

God bless you richly in your pursuit to walk with Him!!!