Well... I'm super sorry its been nearly 2 weeks since I've last updated you on things... terrible me. Anyways :)
Well... its been a totally crazy past few days... I honestly don't even know what to sit down and write about... I just know I need to process through some things, so that I don't forget later.
So, I'm leaving in 3 days... yesterday was my last day of "work" and it was such a great great day! I was blessed, embarrassed and so many other things :) they tried to make me sing my national Anthem at youth... well lets just say I've been out of the country for too long because I couldn't remember all of the words... HA oops :-p But, it was a great blessing and encouragement. This home here I've fit right into is only this way because of the awesome power of God... see when you genuinely commit to God's will and give everything you can, of your time, resources or whatever, a great and beautiful thing grows out of it. I have truly learned that from this community. The outside culture is a dark and dangerous place... but there is a light reaching into the darkness, and that makes such a BIG difference. If I were to tell you all the ministries that flow out of this church, you might think it'd be a congregation of about 1000... it is a large church building, with something going on nearly every single night, there are 18 full-time staff, and several part-time staff as well, the typical size of our congregation... about 400. That is typically considered a smaller church back in the states, but what makes the difference here is the level of commitment from all the people here! There are many people that are involved in more than one facet of ministry, and thus are giving so much of their time to the church and through that, to the community around us. It's been amazing to see the lives of people change just in the time that I've been here! Our God is a good God who has great big plans for people.
Basically, my time here has been so amazing, i'm having a hard time leaving... it's like I'm leaving one home, a great home, to go to another awesome home. But something my dad wrote me in a letter really hit me yesterday... "don't think of it as coming back home, rather think of it as going into a new adventure God has for you" (that might not be a direct quote.. but that's basically what he said) and I thought... of course!! Change is just a way to experience new things with God, He's with us every step of the way and we are never ever alone, even if the whole world turns against us- or if it just seems that the whole world is against us- He Never Is, instead, He's Always With Us... Always.
As many of you know, Thanksgiving was this past week. I was bombarded with many questions as to what the meaning of Thanksgiving is, and I think i might have described it a little differently each time, but basically that it started as a celebration of the harvest, from the pilgrims and all (yay for elementary school lessons) and that its a time for families to gather and remember what we are thankful in this life, something further than the big things that we remember so much its almost fake... but for the little things especially, like the 5 minutes of Sunshine after 2 full days without seeing it, or the smell of coffee, the taste of chocolate, knowing you're loved by someone, the embrace of a friend, and so much more! I was reading something on Thursday that talked of looking for things to be grateful for even among the hardships of our lives. Like in a situation where someone has greatly hurt you... what good has come out of that? What things were you able to see and learn from the change of perspective... be thankful for that. I've learned that in my time here, I'm thankful that I got to learn complete satisfaction in our God- even though it was a really tough path, being here in this place is much better than anything else! And even though the actual Thanksgiving Day is over... we should not stop being thankful and remembering the things that we are thankful for, our God blesses us with amazing things each and every day, and it does us good to acknowledge these things :)
I'm sorry this is a long post... but it has been 2 weeks :D um, but yeah I think that's basically the most of what I wanted to say, I could definitely type so much more, but I'm going to refrain because i'm sure if this gets much longer no one will continue to read. Thanks to everyone who has been praying for me throughout my time here, and for those who have supported me in anyway, I am so grateful. Please continue to pray for safety as I travel home on Tuesday! (ahh) and as I try to readjust to being home and going back to Huntington. I owe it all to Him, and I will Live for His Glory
Friday, November 27, 2009
Monday, November 16, 2009
From loneliness to solitude.
Henri Nouwen is assuredly becoming one of my favorite authors. His book "The Three Movements of the Spiritual Life: Reaching Out" is the book I am currently reading. The first section is about moving from our deepest loneliness to embracing solitude. This is something I wish the whole world could read. It speaks to my own 3 year struggle that I have recently overcome while here on PRIME. Here are just a few quotes from the book for you... Please pass this one to anyone you know- especially if they are struggling with this as well.
Loneliness is one of the most universal sources of human suffering today. Why is it that many parties and friendly get-togethers leave us so empty and sad? Maybe even there the deep-seated and often unconscious competition between people prevents them from revealing themselves to each other and from establishing relationships that last longer than the party itself. (p 25)
The roots of loneliness are very deep and cannot be touched by optimistic advertisment, substitute love images or social togetherness. They find their food in the suspicion that there is no one who cares and offers love without conditions, and no place where we can be vulnerable without being used. The many small rejections of everyday- a sarcastic smaile, a flippant remark, a brisk denial or a bitter silence- may all be quite innocent and hardly worth our attention if they did not constantly arouse our basic human fear of being left totally alone. (p 26)
There is a false form of honesty that suggests that nothing should remain hidden and that everything should be said, expressed and communicated. This honesty can be very harmful, and if it does not harm, it at least makes the relationship flat, superficial, empty and often very boring. When we try to shake off our loneliness by creating a milieu without limiting boundaries, we may become entangles in a stagnating closeness. It is our vocation to prevent the harmful exposure of our inner sanctuary, not only for our own protection but also as a service to our fellow human beings with whom we want to enter in a creative communion. Just as words lose their power when they are not born out of silence, so openness loses its meaning when there is no ability to be closed. (p 32)
This difficlut road is the road of conversion, the conversion from loneliness to solitude. Instead of running away from our loneliness and trying to forget or deny it, we have to prtect it and turn it into a fruitful solitude. To live a spiritual life we must first find the courage to enter into the desert of our loneliness and to change it by gentle and persistent efforts into a garden of solitude. (p 34)
Often we go to good men and women with our problems in the secret hope that they will take our burden away from us and free us from our loneliness. Frequently the temporary relief they offer only leads to a stronger recurrence of the same pains when we are again by ourselves. But sometimes we meet and hear that exceptional person who says "Do not run, but be quiet and silent. Listen attentively to your own struggle. The answer to your questions is hidden in your own heart". The real spiritual guide is the one who, instead of advising us what to do or to whom to go, offers us a chance to stay along and take the risk of entering into our own experience. (p 35)
I know thats a lot to read... but putting these sections together helps us to see that we cannot deny our loneliness any longer, face it. Take some time to just be silent with yourself (and with the Lord) do not listen to music, have the TV on or be near your phone or the internet. Read the bible or simply sit and rest in the Lord, seek His face and you, too, will find that solitude is a beautiful gift from the Lord, and nothing to be afraid of. He has given us community, and He has given us time to be just to ourselves. I warn you, however, this process makes you look at why you are in the relationships/friendships you are in and it may call for a change to be made... just be open to the moving of the Spirit and allow Him to work in your heart.
Loneliness is one of the most universal sources of human suffering today. Why is it that many parties and friendly get-togethers leave us so empty and sad? Maybe even there the deep-seated and often unconscious competition between people prevents them from revealing themselves to each other and from establishing relationships that last longer than the party itself. (p 25)
The roots of loneliness are very deep and cannot be touched by optimistic advertisment, substitute love images or social togetherness. They find their food in the suspicion that there is no one who cares and offers love without conditions, and no place where we can be vulnerable without being used. The many small rejections of everyday- a sarcastic smaile, a flippant remark, a brisk denial or a bitter silence- may all be quite innocent and hardly worth our attention if they did not constantly arouse our basic human fear of being left totally alone. (p 26)
There is a false form of honesty that suggests that nothing should remain hidden and that everything should be said, expressed and communicated. This honesty can be very harmful, and if it does not harm, it at least makes the relationship flat, superficial, empty and often very boring. When we try to shake off our loneliness by creating a milieu without limiting boundaries, we may become entangles in a stagnating closeness. It is our vocation to prevent the harmful exposure of our inner sanctuary, not only for our own protection but also as a service to our fellow human beings with whom we want to enter in a creative communion. Just as words lose their power when they are not born out of silence, so openness loses its meaning when there is no ability to be closed. (p 32)
This difficlut road is the road of conversion, the conversion from loneliness to solitude. Instead of running away from our loneliness and trying to forget or deny it, we have to prtect it and turn it into a fruitful solitude. To live a spiritual life we must first find the courage to enter into the desert of our loneliness and to change it by gentle and persistent efforts into a garden of solitude. (p 34)
Often we go to good men and women with our problems in the secret hope that they will take our burden away from us and free us from our loneliness. Frequently the temporary relief they offer only leads to a stronger recurrence of the same pains when we are again by ourselves. But sometimes we meet and hear that exceptional person who says "Do not run, but be quiet and silent. Listen attentively to your own struggle. The answer to your questions is hidden in your own heart". The real spiritual guide is the one who, instead of advising us what to do or to whom to go, offers us a chance to stay along and take the risk of entering into our own experience. (p 35)
I know thats a lot to read... but putting these sections together helps us to see that we cannot deny our loneliness any longer, face it. Take some time to just be silent with yourself (and with the Lord) do not listen to music, have the TV on or be near your phone or the internet. Read the bible or simply sit and rest in the Lord, seek His face and you, too, will find that solitude is a beautiful gift from the Lord, and nothing to be afraid of. He has given us community, and He has given us time to be just to ourselves. I warn you, however, this process makes you look at why you are in the relationships/friendships you are in and it may call for a change to be made... just be open to the moving of the Spirit and allow Him to work in your heart.
Thursday, November 12, 2009
the time is near
The time is coming for many things... yes be ready says the Lord.
For one- I'm coming home in a little less than 3 weeks now! wowzers!! I cannot believe how soon this is coming. I am greatly looking forward to being home again, to be able to drive myself places, to see my family and friends. At the very same time, however, I am really sad to leave this place... This place I have grown so much, I have developed not only in my faith, and in the way of ministry, but just in life in general I have grown and changed. I am sad to leave these people I have grown to understand a little more and to love so deeply. I'm sad to leave this church that has become so dear to my heart- one church that I was blessed to be fully involved in for 6 months, without going to other churches and only missing sunday services for either being on Kids Church or being away on holiday. This church that I struggled with at the beginning and have dealt with it and grown to a deep appreciation and love of the heart. I'm sad to leave the streets and the gorgeous rolling hills off in the distance, the commonality of taking trains and buses to get places- and them actually being quite nice trains and buses.
Im also nervous to come home, I'm afraid that people will expect me to be the same person I was and like the new me less. I'm afraid that I will fall back into the trap of who I was before and forget the things I learned while here. I'm afraid that this great independance I thrive on will be cut off as I go back to living in a dorm and at home (though I am so excited about both places). I'm afraid that no one else will understand the awesome lessons that the Lord has taught me. I'm afraid that if all these things happen I will feel very alone again- even though I know I'm never alone.
I'm excited for the gathering of my families and reconnecting with them, I'm excited to get back to HU campus and living amongst my friends again. It's freaky to think, though, that it will only be for five more months and then everything will change again. The time is coming for me to graduate college and move on to do something with my life... something of financial purpose as well as Kingdom purpose. I'm excited to see what God has laid out for me... but I've felt a change of paths since I've been here... and so I'm in the midst of sorting out what exactly God has for me. It's a time that is exciting and scary... where I'm waiting for the cue from God but I'm looking at the time when I'll need to know approaching awfully quickly... But I know that God's timing is perfect and He alone will show me His ways in His time. I have seen God move in too many ways not to trust in Him to bring about all things in a way that will be best for me.
The other meaning of the phrase "the time is near" is in reference to the second coming of Jesus Christ the Lord. I'm currently listening to a sermon by Pastor Jeff Wright (of Green Pastures) and it is being more and more confirmed in the last couple years that the time is indeed near. Jesus is coming soon- in our life-time. Be ready for Him, for He will come like a thief in the night... do not be caught sleeping.... the signs of the times are all around us. I'm actually not trying to sound cliche or to say things just because everyone else says He is coming soon. Instead I'm saying these things because i actually used to be someone who would've said "Every generation thinks THEY are the generation when Jesus will arrive..." I now say that I do genuinely think that it is coming... I don't know the day or the hour, and I don't care... I just know that He is coming, He's coming soon... and We need to be ready!!!
For one- I'm coming home in a little less than 3 weeks now! wowzers!! I cannot believe how soon this is coming. I am greatly looking forward to being home again, to be able to drive myself places, to see my family and friends. At the very same time, however, I am really sad to leave this place... This place I have grown so much, I have developed not only in my faith, and in the way of ministry, but just in life in general I have grown and changed. I am sad to leave these people I have grown to understand a little more and to love so deeply. I'm sad to leave this church that has become so dear to my heart- one church that I was blessed to be fully involved in for 6 months, without going to other churches and only missing sunday services for either being on Kids Church or being away on holiday. This church that I struggled with at the beginning and have dealt with it and grown to a deep appreciation and love of the heart. I'm sad to leave the streets and the gorgeous rolling hills off in the distance, the commonality of taking trains and buses to get places- and them actually being quite nice trains and buses.
Im also nervous to come home, I'm afraid that people will expect me to be the same person I was and like the new me less. I'm afraid that I will fall back into the trap of who I was before and forget the things I learned while here. I'm afraid that this great independance I thrive on will be cut off as I go back to living in a dorm and at home (though I am so excited about both places). I'm afraid that no one else will understand the awesome lessons that the Lord has taught me. I'm afraid that if all these things happen I will feel very alone again- even though I know I'm never alone.
I'm excited for the gathering of my families and reconnecting with them, I'm excited to get back to HU campus and living amongst my friends again. It's freaky to think, though, that it will only be for five more months and then everything will change again. The time is coming for me to graduate college and move on to do something with my life... something of financial purpose as well as Kingdom purpose. I'm excited to see what God has laid out for me... but I've felt a change of paths since I've been here... and so I'm in the midst of sorting out what exactly God has for me. It's a time that is exciting and scary... where I'm waiting for the cue from God but I'm looking at the time when I'll need to know approaching awfully quickly... But I know that God's timing is perfect and He alone will show me His ways in His time. I have seen God move in too many ways not to trust in Him to bring about all things in a way that will be best for me.
The other meaning of the phrase "the time is near" is in reference to the second coming of Jesus Christ the Lord. I'm currently listening to a sermon by Pastor Jeff Wright (of Green Pastures) and it is being more and more confirmed in the last couple years that the time is indeed near. Jesus is coming soon- in our life-time. Be ready for Him, for He will come like a thief in the night... do not be caught sleeping.... the signs of the times are all around us. I'm actually not trying to sound cliche or to say things just because everyone else says He is coming soon. Instead I'm saying these things because i actually used to be someone who would've said "Every generation thinks THEY are the generation when Jesus will arrive..." I now say that I do genuinely think that it is coming... I don't know the day or the hour, and I don't care... I just know that He is coming, He's coming soon... and We need to be ready!!!
Saturday, November 7, 2009
You're the only hope for this heart
So my last post was like two days ago... but get over it :)
Recently I have had some friends here really struggling with situations in their lives, struggling to lean on God and to move beyond their circumstances to see His light and His plan. I understand totally where they're coming from, I've certainly been there myself... but my heart breaks for them and I just want to help them, but we as friends can only do so much for those who are hurting... when it comes right down to it, all they need and the only One who can help is God and only He knows the best way to reach them. So I've found this song... its an amazing song, by a group called Fee and this song is on their album titled Hope Rising. The song is called Everything Falls and here are the lyrics for you, powerful truth searched and discovered by those who have been through life's troubles:
You said You’d never leave or forsake me, when You said this life is shake me. You said this world is gonna bring trouble on my soul. This I know.
When everything falls apart, Your arms hold me together. When everything falls apart You’re the only hope for this heart. When everything falls apart and my strength is gone, I find You mighty and strong. You keep holding on, You keep holding on.
When I see darkness all around me, when I see tragedy has found me, I still believe. Your faithful arms will never let me go. Still I know
When everything falls apart, Your arms hold me together. When everything falls apart You’re the only hope for this heart. When everything falls apart and my strength is gone, I find You mighty and strong. You keep holding on, You keep holding on.
Sorrow will last for the night, but hope is rising with the sun, it’s rising with the sun. There will be storms in this life, but I know You have overcome, You have overcome
When everything falls apart, Your arms hold me together. When everything falls apart You’re the only hope for this heart. When everything falls apart and my strength is gone, I find You mighty and strong. You keep holding on
When everything falls apart, Your arms hold me together. When everything falls apart You’re the only hope for this heart. When everything falls apart and my strength is gone, I find You mighty and strong. You keep holding on, You keep holding on.
Our God is good... I don't understand much of it... I can't explain why or how He's not to blame for the struggles, and yet He's teaching you through them and He's going to bring you out of them if you'll let Him... God doesn't want you to be in pain, He loves you so much and wants what's best for you.
Recently I have had some friends here really struggling with situations in their lives, struggling to lean on God and to move beyond their circumstances to see His light and His plan. I understand totally where they're coming from, I've certainly been there myself... but my heart breaks for them and I just want to help them, but we as friends can only do so much for those who are hurting... when it comes right down to it, all they need and the only One who can help is God and only He knows the best way to reach them. So I've found this song... its an amazing song, by a group called Fee and this song is on their album titled Hope Rising. The song is called Everything Falls and here are the lyrics for you, powerful truth searched and discovered by those who have been through life's troubles:
You said You’d never leave or forsake me, when You said this life is shake me. You said this world is gonna bring trouble on my soul. This I know.
When everything falls apart, Your arms hold me together. When everything falls apart You’re the only hope for this heart. When everything falls apart and my strength is gone, I find You mighty and strong. You keep holding on, You keep holding on.
When I see darkness all around me, when I see tragedy has found me, I still believe. Your faithful arms will never let me go. Still I know
When everything falls apart, Your arms hold me together. When everything falls apart You’re the only hope for this heart. When everything falls apart and my strength is gone, I find You mighty and strong. You keep holding on, You keep holding on.
Sorrow will last for the night, but hope is rising with the sun, it’s rising with the sun. There will be storms in this life, but I know You have overcome, You have overcome
When everything falls apart, Your arms hold me together. When everything falls apart You’re the only hope for this heart. When everything falls apart and my strength is gone, I find You mighty and strong. You keep holding on
When everything falls apart, Your arms hold me together. When everything falls apart You’re the only hope for this heart. When everything falls apart and my strength is gone, I find You mighty and strong. You keep holding on, You keep holding on.
Our God is good... I don't understand much of it... I can't explain why or how He's not to blame for the struggles, and yet He's teaching you through them and He's going to bring you out of them if you'll let Him... God doesn't want you to be in pain, He loves you so much and wants what's best for you.
Thursday, November 5, 2009
There are apparently 39 Amber Wolf's in the world.
Yes... I may have gotten my post title from a quiz on Facebook... get over it :)
Well, I have hit and passed my 30 day mark... I am now somewhere in the 20's on my "countdown" which I'm trying not to keep track of... but I must admit, I am really excited to get home.
However I'm also real sad to leave, especially as the month of November is looking like it's going to be a really awesome month. During October I faced many hardships that made me so much more anxious to go home. I was sick with the flu for a week, I lost my closest friend here, didn't get used to my greatest extent, over stressed about homework- yet didn't get much done, and many other things that made nearly every day a big struggle to get through. Through it all though, I know God was using me and my circumstances because there were many times that I felt the presence of God in the littlest of ways. There were younger girls reaching out because they needed love, there were other youth members seeking wisdom and advice and God needed willing hearts as His vessels. It's amazing how usually in the times that you least want to be somewhere- if you go that's when God uses you the most.
November is looking to be really busy as well, but in a very good way! I've started on the street reach team (as I said in my last post) and thats every Tuesday evening and it's brilliant! Also, every fort night on a Wednesday (that means every other Wed) the older youth have what we call Life Support to talk through real life issues and to pray for each, to build up a place of trust and safety for the issues that so many of our youth have been going through. Recently I've felt it heavy on my heart that a lot of our youth are already Christians- but they're still going through really hard times, and thus sometimes they have a hard time relating to someone's amazing testimony of how God brought them from their pits and so they gave their life to Christ. Well my story- all my hard things have happened since being a Christian, and I was talking to another leader about this and so now, in a fort night I will be sharing my story and giving a little word to the youth and I'm looking forward to it because I know God is going to move through it as He always does :)
I have also started to shadow our kids pastor for the week- so that the rest of my time here can have more structure and so that I can be better used to my full extent. So I'm really excited and glad about this. My focus isn't neccessarily on youth anymore, but my experience will be so much more beneficial and I'll still be working with the youth on a friday night.
Anyways, thats just a little update for yas! I hope and pray you all are keepin well! I am greatly looking forward to returning home and seeing all your lovely faces!! And for big hugs!! :) God bless you all friends!
Well, I have hit and passed my 30 day mark... I am now somewhere in the 20's on my "countdown" which I'm trying not to keep track of... but I must admit, I am really excited to get home.
However I'm also real sad to leave, especially as the month of November is looking like it's going to be a really awesome month. During October I faced many hardships that made me so much more anxious to go home. I was sick with the flu for a week, I lost my closest friend here, didn't get used to my greatest extent, over stressed about homework- yet didn't get much done, and many other things that made nearly every day a big struggle to get through. Through it all though, I know God was using me and my circumstances because there were many times that I felt the presence of God in the littlest of ways. There were younger girls reaching out because they needed love, there were other youth members seeking wisdom and advice and God needed willing hearts as His vessels. It's amazing how usually in the times that you least want to be somewhere- if you go that's when God uses you the most.
November is looking to be really busy as well, but in a very good way! I've started on the street reach team (as I said in my last post) and thats every Tuesday evening and it's brilliant! Also, every fort night on a Wednesday (that means every other Wed) the older youth have what we call Life Support to talk through real life issues and to pray for each, to build up a place of trust and safety for the issues that so many of our youth have been going through. Recently I've felt it heavy on my heart that a lot of our youth are already Christians- but they're still going through really hard times, and thus sometimes they have a hard time relating to someone's amazing testimony of how God brought them from their pits and so they gave their life to Christ. Well my story- all my hard things have happened since being a Christian, and I was talking to another leader about this and so now, in a fort night I will be sharing my story and giving a little word to the youth and I'm looking forward to it because I know God is going to move through it as He always does :)
I have also started to shadow our kids pastor for the week- so that the rest of my time here can have more structure and so that I can be better used to my full extent. So I'm really excited and glad about this. My focus isn't neccessarily on youth anymore, but my experience will be so much more beneficial and I'll still be working with the youth on a friday night.
Anyways, thats just a little update for yas! I hope and pray you all are keepin well! I am greatly looking forward to returning home and seeing all your lovely faces!! And for big hugs!! :) God bless you all friends!
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