I love you more
than the sun and the stars
that I taught how to shine
you are mine and you shine for me too
I love you
Yesterday and today and tomorrow
I'll say it again and again
I love you more...
This song... well, besides being cheesy and what I would normally consider not a very good song- has captured my heart. I wont go into the detail of my history with this song- which is by Matthew West- but I will say that God has used this song in my life, powerfully. "Just a face in the city, just a tear on a crowded street- but you are one in a million, and you belong to me! and I want you to know, I am not letting go, even when you come undone these words are.. well they leave me speechless. Anyway-- the reason for bringing this up is because this song was played in Zone23 worship tonight (2nd and 3rd grade worship time tonight at Grace Community Church) and at first I was like- oh this song... but then I remembered, and all of the sudden I was holding back a wall of tears... tears from the past with this lesson, and tears from the dire need for this lesson yet again. I am loved. It's funny how easily my heart forgets this- I know, I know God loves me, and I could list off a whole bunch of stuff saying how I know God loves me and such- but-- I still forget that he loves me. Anyway- that's what I re-learned tonight- and no I didn't cry in front of kids that don't know me :) hehe I held it together. But, it's really important for us not to forget this, because so many detrimental things happen when we make choices forgetting how much we are loved by our God... He loves us more than we can imagine! There is much more I could say-- if you want the story on why the song means so much to me, email me, message me on facebook, whatever, somehow let me know and I will find a more personal way to tell you...
May God sow seeds of blessing and love in your hearts, to grow and exceedingly bless those around you- all for His Glory!
Saturday, May 29, 2010
Saturday, May 22, 2010
ready, realizations, and (hopeful) renewal
Well, I shall go in order of the title :) first- I'm ready... I was ready to be done with college- not necessarily ready to leave great friends, but ready to move on to greater things, a new adventure, a change really... and I still am ready- ready and waiting... I love my family, and I love my home, but I sometimes feel squished.... uh a better word for which I am searching .... squelched? I don't know, either way I sort of feel like I can't really reach my fullness here... and it's no one's fault, except for maybe my own... but when i'm home, in the area and churches and people groups that I've grown up in, I feel like I should still be a young person- in high school- who doesn't know anything, who doesn't have a place to say anything of real value, and I just can't really work in a place where I feel this way... and, so I'm ready- ready to move on and live... yeah, I'm sure I could do some more about that while I'm still here, and I hope working at Grace Community Church will help me in this, getting involved in something greater than myself, giving back to God and those around me, I know this will help, and i am greatly looking forward to Monday for this reason. :)
This past semester has been really rough, and I haven't really been able to fully understand why I've been struggling so much with self-confidence, self-esteem and even liking myself... and I've struggled with why I keep feeling this way, I know that God has made me to be a wonderful woman of God, striving for His heart, striving to follow where He leads. Yet I often feel like the lowest of lowest, filth, trash. I know Paul talks of being the worst of sinners, and we as Christians view that as a noble thought. The way I see it, however, degrading oneself is not noble... in anyway. Humility, yes, self-loathing, no. I was/have been on the verge of self-loathing, and I couldn't figure out why... I'm not normally one to think so very low of myself... I love and treasure who God has made me to be... why have I suddenly lost that? Well, it took me all of about 5 months to realize it but I think I've put another piece to that puzzle... I've caused pain, in people I cared deeply about, I unintentionally caused a pain deeper than I can imagine, and the whole semester was really one giant daily, moment by moment of that, how I caused pain, I broke a person, and not only did it effect that one person, but the ramifications spread across a large group of people, and each day was another story of how what I'd done had hurt someone else... The thing is... I still know that I did the right thing, I followed my heart in what I knew I needed to do, what would bring about God's will for my life.
The cool thing is with realizing this piece of the puzzle, I can have the hope for renewal in my life, the hope for a change, a new-found peace, knowing that I didn't do wrong, sometimes evil and pain just comes, and we truly don't have an explanation. We don't know why bad things happen, we can only try to guess at reasons and purposes that can come out of the evil we face and experience. Nonetheless, we cannot live in a way that we constantly blame ourselves- without room for grace and redemption through Jesus Christ. It is only destructive to continue on the path I was on, and I know many who have been or are even still on that path- and this is to all of us... this path of self-pity, self-loathing is only one of pain and destruction, and it is not the road that God wants us to be on- Yes His path is a difficult one to tread as well, but the focus of that path is on HIM not on our own lowliness and worthlessness, but on His righteousness and glory! Partner with me to walk off this stupid path of destruction to return to the path of love and righteousness, the difficult but worth path of the Lord. I can't do it on my own.
To God be the glory.
This past semester has been really rough, and I haven't really been able to fully understand why I've been struggling so much with self-confidence, self-esteem and even liking myself... and I've struggled with why I keep feeling this way, I know that God has made me to be a wonderful woman of God, striving for His heart, striving to follow where He leads. Yet I often feel like the lowest of lowest, filth, trash. I know Paul talks of being the worst of sinners, and we as Christians view that as a noble thought. The way I see it, however, degrading oneself is not noble... in anyway. Humility, yes, self-loathing, no. I was/have been on the verge of self-loathing, and I couldn't figure out why... I'm not normally one to think so very low of myself... I love and treasure who God has made me to be... why have I suddenly lost that? Well, it took me all of about 5 months to realize it but I think I've put another piece to that puzzle... I've caused pain, in people I cared deeply about, I unintentionally caused a pain deeper than I can imagine, and the whole semester was really one giant daily, moment by moment of that, how I caused pain, I broke a person, and not only did it effect that one person, but the ramifications spread across a large group of people, and each day was another story of how what I'd done had hurt someone else... The thing is... I still know that I did the right thing, I followed my heart in what I knew I needed to do, what would bring about God's will for my life.
The cool thing is with realizing this piece of the puzzle, I can have the hope for renewal in my life, the hope for a change, a new-found peace, knowing that I didn't do wrong, sometimes evil and pain just comes, and we truly don't have an explanation. We don't know why bad things happen, we can only try to guess at reasons and purposes that can come out of the evil we face and experience. Nonetheless, we cannot live in a way that we constantly blame ourselves- without room for grace and redemption through Jesus Christ. It is only destructive to continue on the path I was on, and I know many who have been or are even still on that path- and this is to all of us... this path of self-pity, self-loathing is only one of pain and destruction, and it is not the road that God wants us to be on- Yes His path is a difficult one to tread as well, but the focus of that path is on HIM not on our own lowliness and worthlessness, but on His righteousness and glory! Partner with me to walk off this stupid path of destruction to return to the path of love and righteousness, the difficult but worth path of the Lord. I can't do it on my own.
To God be the glory.
Tuesday, May 11, 2010
saturday!
woo hoo it's so soon!! :)
As of this coming Saturday, May 15th, around 5pm, I will officially be a graduate of Huntington University, with a Bachelor of Science in Missions. How exciting! I have two more tests to take and one presentation to give... so yay! I will be completely done with school work by 12:30pm on Thursday the 13th.
That is all factual information. Here is other stuff because I wanted to make a transition for the "statements" to not so... announcement sounding things because it was getting a bit boring, and I don't want graduation stuff to sound boring! Though, to be honest, sitting through commencement ceremonies can often be boring!! (hehehe) but this year, I will be walking across the stage when they say my name, then I will change the tassel from one side to the other (I don't really know which way yet... oops) and then I'll get my picture taken as they hand me my "diploma" (which is actually just a piece of paper saying they will give me my actual diploma later...) And then I also get to watch my friends and peers do the same thing! It's so cool. And then, pictures will be taken, hugs will be given all around and I'm sure some tears will be shed (not from me though of course...) and then there will be goodbyes... which is the crappiest part of graduation- saying good bye. Good bye to everything I've come to know and love the past four years, good bye to dorm life (praise the LORD), good bye to many friends (perhaps for the last time for a while) and good bye to people who have had a huge impact on my life thus far- both academically and spiritually. It will be the most bitter-sweet day... similar to the day I left Northern Ireland, what a bitter bitter sweet day that was... and this will be no different really (minus the planes and customs and such).
Then, however, I will be going on a new and different path for my life! The summer will begin, which will not be a whole new thing really, I'll be working a cool fun job at a church! And hopefully having good time with good friends, and all the while preparing for my big move in August. In August I will be heading out to Portland, Oregon (!!) where I will be living for the next 2(+) years attending George Fox Seminary getting my masters in Spiritual Formation. From there I have no idea really... but that's okay- I don't even really know all about what will be happening over the summer and leading into the fall- to put it simply I will only be following the leading of God. I am looking forward to what is in store, for I have no idea what it is!
Anyways- that's all for now as I should be studying for math or philosophy or something :)
Peace be with you.
As of this coming Saturday, May 15th, around 5pm, I will officially be a graduate of Huntington University, with a Bachelor of Science in Missions. How exciting! I have two more tests to take and one presentation to give... so yay! I will be completely done with school work by 12:30pm on Thursday the 13th.
That is all factual information. Here is other stuff because I wanted to make a transition for the "statements" to not so... announcement sounding things because it was getting a bit boring, and I don't want graduation stuff to sound boring! Though, to be honest, sitting through commencement ceremonies can often be boring!! (hehehe) but this year, I will be walking across the stage when they say my name, then I will change the tassel from one side to the other (I don't really know which way yet... oops) and then I'll get my picture taken as they hand me my "diploma" (which is actually just a piece of paper saying they will give me my actual diploma later...) And then I also get to watch my friends and peers do the same thing! It's so cool. And then, pictures will be taken, hugs will be given all around and I'm sure some tears will be shed (not from me though of course...) and then there will be goodbyes... which is the crappiest part of graduation- saying good bye. Good bye to everything I've come to know and love the past four years, good bye to dorm life (praise the LORD), good bye to many friends (perhaps for the last time for a while) and good bye to people who have had a huge impact on my life thus far- both academically and spiritually. It will be the most bitter-sweet day... similar to the day I left Northern Ireland, what a bitter bitter sweet day that was... and this will be no different really (minus the planes and customs and such).
Then, however, I will be going on a new and different path for my life! The summer will begin, which will not be a whole new thing really, I'll be working a cool fun job at a church! And hopefully having good time with good friends, and all the while preparing for my big move in August. In August I will be heading out to Portland, Oregon (!!) where I will be living for the next 2(+) years attending George Fox Seminary getting my masters in Spiritual Formation. From there I have no idea really... but that's okay- I don't even really know all about what will be happening over the summer and leading into the fall- to put it simply I will only be following the leading of God. I am looking forward to what is in store, for I have no idea what it is!
Anyways- that's all for now as I should be studying for math or philosophy or something :)
Peace be with you.
Sunday, May 2, 2010
Dreams, desires, hopes...
So, I've been doing a lot of thinking recently, which isn't out of the ordinary- especially as a big change is coming and I'm dealing with pressures from multiple ends. Anyways, I was reading a different blog today and noticing a common thread... A lot of things have changed, a lot in my life, and in the lives of those close to me. I've seen people put all their hopes and dreams into one thing, like a major, or - more often- a relationship. I've watched more hearts get broken, demolished, or thrown away. I've seen people put all their dreams and wishes on one person, and it doesn't go well, whether it lasts, or whether it ends.
I could go on here, but my point with this blog, is to be careful... our Scriptures say to "guard your heart". I don't think I really knew what that meant until recently, but I've been able to recover and maintain my sanity and loving heart only because I have given my whole heart to God and God alone.This isn't to say that I haven't given of myself in a relationship- because in order to make something work you have to be willing to work and to give. Anyway- I could easily talk myself into a circle here, I just mean to be saying that I've kind of realized that we shouldn't be basing our hopes and dreams on one person here on this earth! Our everything should be based in the fullness of God! You find yourself asking "why God?! why is everything I've worked for, things I've put my hope in, set my dreams upon- why has it all been taken away!" good questions, valid in a time of hurt and sadness, but to learn from this- we are only to put our dreams and trust and hope in HIM!!
I could go on here, but my point with this blog, is to be careful... our Scriptures say to "guard your heart". I don't think I really knew what that meant until recently, but I've been able to recover and maintain my sanity and loving heart only because I have given my whole heart to God and God alone.This isn't to say that I haven't given of myself in a relationship- because in order to make something work you have to be willing to work and to give. Anyway- I could easily talk myself into a circle here, I just mean to be saying that I've kind of realized that we shouldn't be basing our hopes and dreams on one person here on this earth! Our everything should be based in the fullness of God! You find yourself asking "why God?! why is everything I've worked for, things I've put my hope in, set my dreams upon- why has it all been taken away!" good questions, valid in a time of hurt and sadness, but to learn from this- we are only to put our dreams and trust and hope in HIM!!
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