January 1st... from 2007 to 2011

(I started this on Jan. 11th, but just now finished it... oops)
I suppose it's about time for me to process through January 1st of this year. Ever since 2007, 1/1 has held a different meaning for me, even I don't realize it that very day.

I remember that New Years Eve and day quite clearly... I spent the evening with my bff from high school Megan, we watched like 3 or 4 movies, including the Devil Wears Prada. We had a lot of fun and we slept in on the first. I was asleep when my mom called me, around 12 noon. She told me the news of grandma's death, and tears immediately formed in my eyes. I had super mixed feelings because I was so grateful that she was no longer in pain and that she was with grandpa; but I knew that nothing would ever be the same and I missed her terribly. I also remember thinking how cool it was that she made it into the new year, even if only for a few hours.

Since that year, I have spent sometime at the beginning of each year reflecting on her and how her life affected mine. Or at least thinking about how much she meant to me. This year is a little different because I don't want to coat my writing with sadness of missing her but rather rejoicing for having known her. She was an amazing woman, and anyone who did share any part of life with her is/was truly blessed by her presence. From spoiling the grandkids, to taking care of her church, to keeping her roudy neighbors in line - she was one cool kid. i loved her.

more than a New Year's Resolution

I've never really gotten much into the tradition of making a new year's resolution, mainly because I know that I wouldn't stick to it, and I'd rather make a genuine change when the desire is truly there. Nonetheless, it is valuable to look at starting a new year with goals and ideas of handling yourself better, growing closer to Christ, and loving others in a deeper way. At this point in my life, the changes I would like to look into revolve around my school and work- How can I give more? How can I do better? My work is both a ministry and a business wrapped into one, which is wonderful and difficult at the same time. My school (seminary) is wonderful and something I really want to get as much out of as I can...

This leaves me with a dilemma: I want to give more to my ministry, and I want to be more present in my schooling. Last semester I gave all I could to both and it didn't feel like enough; and my boss has mentioned that this second semester at work needs to be better than last semester (in that we as a staff need to be more present and give more to the students we're ministering to). How can I do both? When I was already giving my all, how can I give more? I know there are small things I can do better, cleaning the dorm with more diligence, helping to decorate the spaces with more finesse, but what he's (my boss) is really asking for is more emotional presence, to give even more to the students with our caring and servant hood. It's a valid request. Legitimate, probably even necessary. But can I do it? Correction, can I do it and still be fully present at seminary? I'm honestly not sure.

I'm not really sure where I'm going with this, mostly just processing. Today is a day off, so I'm sitting in a coffee shop, spending time in prayer and devotional reading. I love this job, this ministry, and I want to continue here and give all I can to this ministry- but I would hate to look back on my seminary experience and wish I had been able to give/get more through this experience.

the coolest thing in all this- i know God has a plan- i don't know what it is, but i know He's got me in His hands.