Sometimes I wish I could share wonderful words of wisdom and challenge and biblical insight in my blogs here, but I've sort of come to terms with the fact that as I share parts and pieces of my life on here, I am sharing what I know best, and showing you how I've seen God working- and sometimes that is simply wonderful.
Things have been so crazy here, for me specifically trying to find the balance between my studies at George Fox Seminary and my time here at Western Mennonite School in the dorm with the international students- and I've entered into a wonderful relationship with a man of God that I couldn't be more grateful for! However, my heart is so deeply involved in all these things that it has become a struggle for me to find the balance in serving God in all three! I need to do well in my studies, to learn materials and gain from what I am paying for (plus I'm loving every minute of it - even when it frustrates me!); secondly, this job as a dorm leader has become so much dearer to me than I expected in the least, I love these students, I long for them to know God and know of His love for each of them, and I long to see them grow in their time here! I want to give my everything while I am on- and then there's Josh, everything about a new relationship is exciting and I want to be fully present when I am with him as well. It is a balance that is more than possible, even when things with the students are drama-filled and harder than stone, I know that God is moving and working in their hearts and in mine!
Today I had a wonderful lunch conversation with a new friend, let's say her name is Rachel, and we talked about many things, from lacking in sleep to our relationship with the Lord. It has been so wonderful to find friends at the seminary that I can relate to and talk about classes with, as well as God and faith and just life in general!
I still feel like there is so much more to share, but I am out of words to share at the minute, hah so I shall leave you with this thought for now...
"people who are not in community are snottier than those who are in community." - John Ortberg.
:-)
Wednesday, October 6, 2010
Tuesday, September 21, 2010
Life
What is there to say about life? Oh well there is lots, I wish I had all my recent notes from classes and reading materials with me because I could probably write the longest post known to man with all of it. Life is a blessed gift. This new adventure I have embarked on is certainly a blessing from the Lord, the past wee while of my life (like since December) has been a low valley that has been rough travels, but God showed me the way to start climbing the hill again. It has been a lovely stroll, so much beauty and excitement as I'm starting to see the positives coming back and the sun is starting to shine again, and oh is it shining brightly!
Okay, and now to be less metaphorical and cryptic. Towards the end of the summer I began to hear God's voice again, telling me it was becoming the time for me to come out of this darkness, i could sense it with all my being. I was getting restless because I knew the sun was coming but I couldn't see it yet. It was hard at times to trust that He would do what He had promised, but I knew He would within His timing. Since having moved out here I have seen God fulfill His promise in so many ways, in ways I did not expect and ways I didn't really even think I was ready for!! God has blessed me with amazing friends (and a special guy!) and just a really great surrounding of strong Christians who are challenging me and confirming me in my walk. And I am getting the grand experience of living life with people who have no interest in God or spirituality, and it's been a real blessing to see and learn the best way of doing life with them! I have really grown to love these students I'm working with (and it's only been 2.5 weeks!) and I am so excited to see them grow over this coming year! I can't wait to see how God works and moves in them, and to join in fighting the inevitable spiritual battles that will come in the way of these kids' souls. The war is great and strong and sometimes it seems overbearing, but with God in control nothing is too great for us!
Wow, so I can still write a long blog even without my notes... just wait till I get ahold of them and a good internet connection at the same time! ;)
God bless you richly in your pursuit to walk with Him!!!
Okay, and now to be less metaphorical and cryptic. Towards the end of the summer I began to hear God's voice again, telling me it was becoming the time for me to come out of this darkness, i could sense it with all my being. I was getting restless because I knew the sun was coming but I couldn't see it yet. It was hard at times to trust that He would do what He had promised, but I knew He would within His timing. Since having moved out here I have seen God fulfill His promise in so many ways, in ways I did not expect and ways I didn't really even think I was ready for!! God has blessed me with amazing friends (and a special guy!) and just a really great surrounding of strong Christians who are challenging me and confirming me in my walk. And I am getting the grand experience of living life with people who have no interest in God or spirituality, and it's been a real blessing to see and learn the best way of doing life with them! I have really grown to love these students I'm working with (and it's only been 2.5 weeks!) and I am so excited to see them grow over this coming year! I can't wait to see how God works and moves in them, and to join in fighting the inevitable spiritual battles that will come in the way of these kids' souls. The war is great and strong and sometimes it seems overbearing, but with God in control nothing is too great for us!
Wow, so I can still write a long blog even without my notes... just wait till I get ahold of them and a good internet connection at the same time! ;)
God bless you richly in your pursuit to walk with Him!!!
Saturday, August 28, 2010
the city makes me feel artsy.
I'm currently sitting in a starbucks right in the center of downtown salem, well part of it anyway. I parallel parked my car (might have hit the curb a wee bit...) and am watching the people and the traffic as I am enjoying some blessed coffee :)
The buildings are so neat. There's a shop on the corner called "The French Unicorn" I think it's like a boutique... but I'm not sure haha, and then in a building beside that theres a Book Bin, and the building looks so cool, old fashioned and pretty, with the theater style sign hanging out off the side with the letters single file down the side... it's awesome.
I wish I could capture the life accurately somehow, it's full of it! Just earlier there was a man with a large back-pack, like the kind you take on a hiking/camping trip. and he was stopping people as they came from across the street just to talk to them, telling them jokes or something, but he made them all laugh (except one businessman who didn't really stop. And there a ton of people just sitting outside, for only a few minutes before they get up and continue walking. There are couples, families, students, young people with iPods, and the sun is shining. I love the city.
As I've been sitting here, I just want to write a book! Or grab my guitar and stand on the street- playing poorly and still people would enjoy it. Or make a movie, I just want to do something creative and beautiful, just like this city full of beautiful people that God has created, each one of them different and special, each one of them beautiful in their wonderful uniqueness- and most of them unaware of just how special they are. OH how I wish I knew them all and could tell them, and they'd believe me, and see that there is a God who loves them, and wants them to know Him.
okay- it's cold in here, I think I'm done! Bye friends!
The buildings are so neat. There's a shop on the corner called "The French Unicorn" I think it's like a boutique... but I'm not sure haha, and then in a building beside that theres a Book Bin, and the building looks so cool, old fashioned and pretty, with the theater style sign hanging out off the side with the letters single file down the side... it's awesome.
I wish I could capture the life accurately somehow, it's full of it! Just earlier there was a man with a large back-pack, like the kind you take on a hiking/camping trip. and he was stopping people as they came from across the street just to talk to them, telling them jokes or something, but he made them all laugh (except one businessman who didn't really stop. And there a ton of people just sitting outside, for only a few minutes before they get up and continue walking. There are couples, families, students, young people with iPods, and the sun is shining. I love the city.
As I've been sitting here, I just want to write a book! Or grab my guitar and stand on the street- playing poorly and still people would enjoy it. Or make a movie, I just want to do something creative and beautiful, just like this city full of beautiful people that God has created, each one of them different and special, each one of them beautiful in their wonderful uniqueness- and most of them unaware of just how special they are. OH how I wish I knew them all and could tell them, and they'd believe me, and see that there is a God who loves them, and wants them to know Him.
okay- it's cold in here, I think I'm done! Bye friends!
Monday, August 23, 2010
I miss people.
Yep, is okay, today I went to a movie by myself, and it was fun, and I enjoyed the movie, but I kinda realized when I left that there was no one to talk to about the movie, no one to quote it with and it just made me a little down-
I'm thinking, because I know who reads these blogs, that I shouldn't be writing a post right now because I am down and apparently I only write blogs when I am down haha, funny. Wellll so in that case, this is all for now :-p
I'm thinking, because I know who reads these blogs, that I shouldn't be writing a post right now because I am down and apparently I only write blogs when I am down haha, funny. Wellll so in that case, this is all for now :-p
Tuesday, August 17, 2010
It's real!
Hi friends,
so here I am, in Oregon! I'm really here, I really live here now
I make my own meals (for now)
I have to figure out what to do with myself (until work/school starts)
and I feel like a real adult! hehe (because my mom says I am) :)
Anyway- I'm sitting in a starbucks right now because I don't get blogger on the internet at my apartment- along with facebook and a few other sites... long story.
So yeah I guess I don't have as much to say as I originally thought-- but here I am! Safe and sound in my new home! yay! Thanks for your prayers friends!!
so here I am, in Oregon! I'm really here, I really live here now
I make my own meals (for now)
I have to figure out what to do with myself (until work/school starts)
and I feel like a real adult! hehe (because my mom says I am) :)
Anyway- I'm sitting in a starbucks right now because I don't get blogger on the internet at my apartment- along with facebook and a few other sites... long story.
So yeah I guess I don't have as much to say as I originally thought-- but here I am! Safe and sound in my new home! yay! Thanks for your prayers friends!!
Thursday, August 5, 2010
My new Adventure
So, as I was getting ready for bed tonight, many thoughts were running (and still are) though my mind. Thoughts from the Leadership Summit today, from conversations that took place tonight, and then fact that tomorrow (Friday) is my last full day in Indiana before I move to Oregon. These thoughts have caused me a lack of sleep recently- which is either to be expected or at least understood.
Something said today in the summit has stuck out- a little chunk, as some would say- "Do not run from the darkness, but instead penetrate it with the Light inside you." We have the SPIRIT of the LIVING GOD inside us... why are we afraid of the darkness!?? I just- well, lets just say I was renewed with strength today, knowing that the Lord has called me into the darkness so that HIS light can shine brighter than ever. And to never give up, to have the faith that whatever it is- I will make it through with the power of Christ, trusting to Him my fate and not trying to predict it myself- because who am I to know the ways and workings of the Lord my God?
Be strengthened today- do not fear, be courageous. 11 times in the Old Testament it says "Be strong and courageous." ELEVEN TIMES! Three in Deuteronomy, Five times in Joshua, and Three times in the Chronicles (first and second). That's amazing. BE STRONG AND COURAGEOUS children of the Living God. Do not fear the darkness; instead fumigate it with the LIGHT inside of you today!
Amen.
Something said today in the summit has stuck out- a little chunk, as some would say- "Do not run from the darkness, but instead penetrate it with the Light inside you." We have the SPIRIT of the LIVING GOD inside us... why are we afraid of the darkness!?? I just- well, lets just say I was renewed with strength today, knowing that the Lord has called me into the darkness so that HIS light can shine brighter than ever. And to never give up, to have the faith that whatever it is- I will make it through with the power of Christ, trusting to Him my fate and not trying to predict it myself- because who am I to know the ways and workings of the Lord my God?
Be strengthened today- do not fear, be courageous. 11 times in the Old Testament it says "Be strong and courageous." ELEVEN TIMES! Three in Deuteronomy, Five times in Joshua, and Three times in the Chronicles (first and second). That's amazing. BE STRONG AND COURAGEOUS children of the Living God. Do not fear the darkness; instead fumigate it with the LIGHT inside of you today!
Amen.
Wednesday, August 4, 2010
focusing
yes this is my third blog in 24 hours, but I'm sitting at work and I'm having a hard time focusing on the work I need to get done. My mind is racing with thinking about I need to get done before I leave, like literally I'm just making list after list in my head or on paper of what I need to do before we leave, what there is left to pack, what we should do when we get out there, how we'll get there.... seriously a lot of lists. I'm considering leaving early so I can just do something and then work more from home where i can look at my room and remind myself that I'm actually doing good with getting things ready to go, like really, there's very little packing I can do until Saturday morning before we leave.. but I just keep thinking that I need to get it done, get it ready, so I can relax and enjoy these last few days.... wellll I'm not RELAXING.... silly girl. Soo yeah, I'm gonna do that- gonna go finish the stuff i NEED to be in the office for and then head home to do dual duties with work work and Oregon work. That's my plan.... I just needed to write stuff out. Ha.
amazing God
last night a thought hit me, and it's kind of silly that it felt new to me, but it was so good to realize and actually understand.
We are taught as Christians that we can do nothing without God- but that through Christ we can do all things- well, while I have believed this to be true, it was a rare thought to think what I couldn't do without God. Until last night, I realized that I needed to ask him for help in the mornings. I've been wanting to start getting up a little earlier for a couple reasons recently 1. so that I can be on time to work and such :) and 2. so that I can sit and read from the Word in the mornings. Well lets just say that generally I fail miserably and I rush to get out of the door on time. I don't want that to be the case, or the norm. I want to be someone who can rise early and use the morning to it's fullness. So last night I was praying about it- and it struck me: I can't even get out of bed without HIS help. I really can't do anything without Him if I can't get out of my bed in the morning without His help. It's as simple as that- nothing, I can do nothing without Him. and I am a very capable person, God has blessed me with Independence (at least most of the time i think it's a blessing) and so I know I can do things, but what I seem to forget is that the reason "I can" do them is because HE made me capable, and in the areas where my capability doesn't reach- HE is there, because His capability doesn't have boundaries.
Just some awesome thoughts for you today.
We are taught as Christians that we can do nothing without God- but that through Christ we can do all things- well, while I have believed this to be true, it was a rare thought to think what I couldn't do without God. Until last night, I realized that I needed to ask him for help in the mornings. I've been wanting to start getting up a little earlier for a couple reasons recently 1. so that I can be on time to work and such :) and 2. so that I can sit and read from the Word in the mornings. Well lets just say that generally I fail miserably and I rush to get out of the door on time. I don't want that to be the case, or the norm. I want to be someone who can rise early and use the morning to it's fullness. So last night I was praying about it- and it struck me: I can't even get out of bed without HIS help. I really can't do anything without Him if I can't get out of my bed in the morning without His help. It's as simple as that- nothing, I can do nothing without Him. and I am a very capable person, God has blessed me with Independence (at least most of the time i think it's a blessing) and so I know I can do things, but what I seem to forget is that the reason "I can" do them is because HE made me capable, and in the areas where my capability doesn't reach- HE is there, because His capability doesn't have boundaries.
Just some awesome thoughts for you today.
Tuesday, August 3, 2010
here we go again?
I hope not. This week I've been noticing an all too familiar pattern with my stomach, and I'm praying its just the reaction to this upcoming change in my life...
My stomach has apparently decided that when I feed it, it wants to respond with pain, the kind that hurts in so many different ways I can't really explain it. The blessing with this is that at this time, it is no where near what it used to be and so I know that it is more than manageable, it's just annoying. Thinking to myself- hmm what am I able to eat, what might not cause the pain today? The hardest thing about when this was going on before was that I soon discovered it really didn't matter what I ate, everything made it hurt in some way... well I'm praying that this time is different, if I can take out things that I know will make it worse (gluten / dairy) then maybe since this is on a lesser level as it is then it will actually make a difference!
Anyway, pray for me as I am making this transition. I'm moving on Saturday, my dad and I are driving out and hoping to arrive on Monday afternoon! I'm really excited about it and looking forward to the time with my dad. AND I'll definitely be video taping stuff and being silly while my dad is driving(because of course we're going to drive safely!!) So yeah, but pray that as I get settled in in Oregon I can find a community to get involved in and not be in isolation. I would also appreciate prayer over my stomach, as this is a sore spot in my relationship with Christ and I really want it to bring me closer to HIM this time rather than push me away. I know that He is good and is doing wonderful marvelous things, sometimes I just wonder why it has to be like this... (though don't we all at some point?) Anyway- that's all for now... peace!
My stomach has apparently decided that when I feed it, it wants to respond with pain, the kind that hurts in so many different ways I can't really explain it. The blessing with this is that at this time, it is no where near what it used to be and so I know that it is more than manageable, it's just annoying. Thinking to myself- hmm what am I able to eat, what might not cause the pain today? The hardest thing about when this was going on before was that I soon discovered it really didn't matter what I ate, everything made it hurt in some way... well I'm praying that this time is different, if I can take out things that I know will make it worse (gluten / dairy) then maybe since this is on a lesser level as it is then it will actually make a difference!
Anyway, pray for me as I am making this transition. I'm moving on Saturday, my dad and I are driving out and hoping to arrive on Monday afternoon! I'm really excited about it and looking forward to the time with my dad. AND I'll definitely be video taping stuff and being silly while my dad is driving(because of course we're going to drive safely!!) So yeah, but pray that as I get settled in in Oregon I can find a community to get involved in and not be in isolation. I would also appreciate prayer over my stomach, as this is a sore spot in my relationship with Christ and I really want it to bring me closer to HIM this time rather than push me away. I know that He is good and is doing wonderful marvelous things, sometimes I just wonder why it has to be like this... (though don't we all at some point?) Anyway- that's all for now... peace!
Thursday, July 15, 2010
Sunday, June 6, 2010
Continuously Learning
Multiple times in this past week alone I have heard the phrase "Leaders are Readers" or another version "Leaders are Learners".... These sayings say something important about growing and becoming a leader, it's not to say that just by reading, or learning, you will be a leader, but it is nearly certain that if you don't do these things... you wont be a leader. So, that's pretty interesting, because not only have I read that in a book about leadership this week, but I heard it in a Wednesday night event- from a senior who just graduated high school, but also from a middle school pastor and the female middle school leader. So, really, it is good that I'm going to seminary- to continue my learning! ha anyway- that was my random thought for the day.
I don't know if you know this, but I'm nervous about moving to Oregon in August. I'm afraid that I wont make it, that I wont be able to fit in, to make good friends, and I'll feel lonely a lot. And thinking about this sometimes makes me worry about leaving everyone here... family and friends and such... and sometimes when I worry like that, I can easily just make myself feel so busy that I don't allow myself to have the time to be with said friends and family... and well, its just crazy to be honest. Anyway- I totally lost my train of though there for a while... ha- so I was hanging out with a friend the other day, and talking about how it might be the last time we get to see each other for maybe 2 or even 3 years... and it was like- woah. But then he said something that stuck with me- in conversation with a friend of his he said "we're just going to hang out, enjoy life together while we can" (or well something along those lines) and then I was just like... oh my goodness... how could I just forget that? My job, my goal right now is just to enjoy life with those I can- those right in front of me. Just another example of how I am continuously learning. Praise the Lord.
In His Glory.
I don't know if you know this, but I'm nervous about moving to Oregon in August. I'm afraid that I wont make it, that I wont be able to fit in, to make good friends, and I'll feel lonely a lot. And thinking about this sometimes makes me worry about leaving everyone here... family and friends and such... and sometimes when I worry like that, I can easily just make myself feel so busy that I don't allow myself to have the time to be with said friends and family... and well, its just crazy to be honest. Anyway- I totally lost my train of though there for a while... ha- so I was hanging out with a friend the other day, and talking about how it might be the last time we get to see each other for maybe 2 or even 3 years... and it was like- woah. But then he said something that stuck with me- in conversation with a friend of his he said "we're just going to hang out, enjoy life together while we can" (or well something along those lines) and then I was just like... oh my goodness... how could I just forget that? My job, my goal right now is just to enjoy life with those I can- those right in front of me. Just another example of how I am continuously learning. Praise the Lord.
In His Glory.
Tuesday, June 1, 2010
Passion
So I'm currently reading this book for my summer internship, called Leadership Essenials for Children's Ministry. The first section is about Passion, why it's important, some ways it has been "poisened" and how to produce a healthy passion. Something that has really gotten to me about this first section is the passion "poiseners" which include : Familiarity; Coolness; Uncertainty; Rambling; and Hardness. The biggest hit to my stance was "uncertainty" - now to be honest, these were not the best names for the topic he describes, but whatever. Anyway, he talks about being unfocused, in our ministry and in our life. If you are certain, then you should be focused and thus passionate about your ministry! (My paraphrasing)
I highighted these words that really hit me: "Without focus, there's no reason to get up in the morning. It's just another 9-5 day, or another Sunday.... Our focus is extremely important; if we have nothing to live for, it really doesn't matter how long our lives are. so we have to choose... to say "my focus is here.."
It just... I don't know, it hit me in a way that sort of shook me... have I been unfocused for so long? Is that why I never want to get up in the morning, even when Ive gotten great amounts of sleep consistently? Have I allowed myself to just drift off into this limbo area where I don't really know what I am doing, I'm just going about my duties? I don't want to live this way... and neither should you!! How do we fix it? Well, I'm not sure... get focused...? I'll let you know as I read further :)
in Him
I highighted these words that really hit me: "Without focus, there's no reason to get up in the morning. It's just another 9-5 day, or another Sunday.... Our focus is extremely important; if we have nothing to live for, it really doesn't matter how long our lives are. so we have to choose... to say "my focus is here.."
It just... I don't know, it hit me in a way that sort of shook me... have I been unfocused for so long? Is that why I never want to get up in the morning, even when Ive gotten great amounts of sleep consistently? Have I allowed myself to just drift off into this limbo area where I don't really know what I am doing, I'm just going about my duties? I don't want to live this way... and neither should you!! How do we fix it? Well, I'm not sure... get focused...? I'll let you know as I read further :)
in Him
Saturday, May 29, 2010
I Love You More...
I love you more
than the sun and the stars
that I taught how to shine
you are mine and you shine for me too
I love you
Yesterday and today and tomorrow
I'll say it again and again
I love you more...
This song... well, besides being cheesy and what I would normally consider not a very good song- has captured my heart. I wont go into the detail of my history with this song- which is by Matthew West- but I will say that God has used this song in my life, powerfully. "Just a face in the city, just a tear on a crowded street- but you are one in a million, and you belong to me! and I want you to know, I am not letting go, even when you come undone these words are.. well they leave me speechless. Anyway-- the reason for bringing this up is because this song was played in Zone23 worship tonight (2nd and 3rd grade worship time tonight at Grace Community Church) and at first I was like- oh this song... but then I remembered, and all of the sudden I was holding back a wall of tears... tears from the past with this lesson, and tears from the dire need for this lesson yet again. I am loved. It's funny how easily my heart forgets this- I know, I know God loves me, and I could list off a whole bunch of stuff saying how I know God loves me and such- but-- I still forget that he loves me. Anyway- that's what I re-learned tonight- and no I didn't cry in front of kids that don't know me :) hehe I held it together. But, it's really important for us not to forget this, because so many detrimental things happen when we make choices forgetting how much we are loved by our God... He loves us more than we can imagine! There is much more I could say-- if you want the story on why the song means so much to me, email me, message me on facebook, whatever, somehow let me know and I will find a more personal way to tell you...
May God sow seeds of blessing and love in your hearts, to grow and exceedingly bless those around you- all for His Glory!
than the sun and the stars
that I taught how to shine
you are mine and you shine for me too
I love you
Yesterday and today and tomorrow
I'll say it again and again
I love you more...
This song... well, besides being cheesy and what I would normally consider not a very good song- has captured my heart. I wont go into the detail of my history with this song- which is by Matthew West- but I will say that God has used this song in my life, powerfully. "Just a face in the city, just a tear on a crowded street- but you are one in a million, and you belong to me! and I want you to know, I am not letting go, even when you come undone these words are.. well they leave me speechless. Anyway-- the reason for bringing this up is because this song was played in Zone23 worship tonight (2nd and 3rd grade worship time tonight at Grace Community Church) and at first I was like- oh this song... but then I remembered, and all of the sudden I was holding back a wall of tears... tears from the past with this lesson, and tears from the dire need for this lesson yet again. I am loved. It's funny how easily my heart forgets this- I know, I know God loves me, and I could list off a whole bunch of stuff saying how I know God loves me and such- but-- I still forget that he loves me. Anyway- that's what I re-learned tonight- and no I didn't cry in front of kids that don't know me :) hehe I held it together. But, it's really important for us not to forget this, because so many detrimental things happen when we make choices forgetting how much we are loved by our God... He loves us more than we can imagine! There is much more I could say-- if you want the story on why the song means so much to me, email me, message me on facebook, whatever, somehow let me know and I will find a more personal way to tell you...
May God sow seeds of blessing and love in your hearts, to grow and exceedingly bless those around you- all for His Glory!
Saturday, May 22, 2010
ready, realizations, and (hopeful) renewal
Well, I shall go in order of the title :) first- I'm ready... I was ready to be done with college- not necessarily ready to leave great friends, but ready to move on to greater things, a new adventure, a change really... and I still am ready- ready and waiting... I love my family, and I love my home, but I sometimes feel squished.... uh a better word for which I am searching .... squelched? I don't know, either way I sort of feel like I can't really reach my fullness here... and it's no one's fault, except for maybe my own... but when i'm home, in the area and churches and people groups that I've grown up in, I feel like I should still be a young person- in high school- who doesn't know anything, who doesn't have a place to say anything of real value, and I just can't really work in a place where I feel this way... and, so I'm ready- ready to move on and live... yeah, I'm sure I could do some more about that while I'm still here, and I hope working at Grace Community Church will help me in this, getting involved in something greater than myself, giving back to God and those around me, I know this will help, and i am greatly looking forward to Monday for this reason. :)
This past semester has been really rough, and I haven't really been able to fully understand why I've been struggling so much with self-confidence, self-esteem and even liking myself... and I've struggled with why I keep feeling this way, I know that God has made me to be a wonderful woman of God, striving for His heart, striving to follow where He leads. Yet I often feel like the lowest of lowest, filth, trash. I know Paul talks of being the worst of sinners, and we as Christians view that as a noble thought. The way I see it, however, degrading oneself is not noble... in anyway. Humility, yes, self-loathing, no. I was/have been on the verge of self-loathing, and I couldn't figure out why... I'm not normally one to think so very low of myself... I love and treasure who God has made me to be... why have I suddenly lost that? Well, it took me all of about 5 months to realize it but I think I've put another piece to that puzzle... I've caused pain, in people I cared deeply about, I unintentionally caused a pain deeper than I can imagine, and the whole semester was really one giant daily, moment by moment of that, how I caused pain, I broke a person, and not only did it effect that one person, but the ramifications spread across a large group of people, and each day was another story of how what I'd done had hurt someone else... The thing is... I still know that I did the right thing, I followed my heart in what I knew I needed to do, what would bring about God's will for my life.
The cool thing is with realizing this piece of the puzzle, I can have the hope for renewal in my life, the hope for a change, a new-found peace, knowing that I didn't do wrong, sometimes evil and pain just comes, and we truly don't have an explanation. We don't know why bad things happen, we can only try to guess at reasons and purposes that can come out of the evil we face and experience. Nonetheless, we cannot live in a way that we constantly blame ourselves- without room for grace and redemption through Jesus Christ. It is only destructive to continue on the path I was on, and I know many who have been or are even still on that path- and this is to all of us... this path of self-pity, self-loathing is only one of pain and destruction, and it is not the road that God wants us to be on- Yes His path is a difficult one to tread as well, but the focus of that path is on HIM not on our own lowliness and worthlessness, but on His righteousness and glory! Partner with me to walk off this stupid path of destruction to return to the path of love and righteousness, the difficult but worth path of the Lord. I can't do it on my own.
To God be the glory.
This past semester has been really rough, and I haven't really been able to fully understand why I've been struggling so much with self-confidence, self-esteem and even liking myself... and I've struggled with why I keep feeling this way, I know that God has made me to be a wonderful woman of God, striving for His heart, striving to follow where He leads. Yet I often feel like the lowest of lowest, filth, trash. I know Paul talks of being the worst of sinners, and we as Christians view that as a noble thought. The way I see it, however, degrading oneself is not noble... in anyway. Humility, yes, self-loathing, no. I was/have been on the verge of self-loathing, and I couldn't figure out why... I'm not normally one to think so very low of myself... I love and treasure who God has made me to be... why have I suddenly lost that? Well, it took me all of about 5 months to realize it but I think I've put another piece to that puzzle... I've caused pain, in people I cared deeply about, I unintentionally caused a pain deeper than I can imagine, and the whole semester was really one giant daily, moment by moment of that, how I caused pain, I broke a person, and not only did it effect that one person, but the ramifications spread across a large group of people, and each day was another story of how what I'd done had hurt someone else... The thing is... I still know that I did the right thing, I followed my heart in what I knew I needed to do, what would bring about God's will for my life.
The cool thing is with realizing this piece of the puzzle, I can have the hope for renewal in my life, the hope for a change, a new-found peace, knowing that I didn't do wrong, sometimes evil and pain just comes, and we truly don't have an explanation. We don't know why bad things happen, we can only try to guess at reasons and purposes that can come out of the evil we face and experience. Nonetheless, we cannot live in a way that we constantly blame ourselves- without room for grace and redemption through Jesus Christ. It is only destructive to continue on the path I was on, and I know many who have been or are even still on that path- and this is to all of us... this path of self-pity, self-loathing is only one of pain and destruction, and it is not the road that God wants us to be on- Yes His path is a difficult one to tread as well, but the focus of that path is on HIM not on our own lowliness and worthlessness, but on His righteousness and glory! Partner with me to walk off this stupid path of destruction to return to the path of love and righteousness, the difficult but worth path of the Lord. I can't do it on my own.
To God be the glory.
Tuesday, May 11, 2010
saturday!
woo hoo it's so soon!! :)
As of this coming Saturday, May 15th, around 5pm, I will officially be a graduate of Huntington University, with a Bachelor of Science in Missions. How exciting! I have two more tests to take and one presentation to give... so yay! I will be completely done with school work by 12:30pm on Thursday the 13th.
That is all factual information. Here is other stuff because I wanted to make a transition for the "statements" to not so... announcement sounding things because it was getting a bit boring, and I don't want graduation stuff to sound boring! Though, to be honest, sitting through commencement ceremonies can often be boring!! (hehehe) but this year, I will be walking across the stage when they say my name, then I will change the tassel from one side to the other (I don't really know which way yet... oops) and then I'll get my picture taken as they hand me my "diploma" (which is actually just a piece of paper saying they will give me my actual diploma later...) And then I also get to watch my friends and peers do the same thing! It's so cool. And then, pictures will be taken, hugs will be given all around and I'm sure some tears will be shed (not from me though of course...) and then there will be goodbyes... which is the crappiest part of graduation- saying good bye. Good bye to everything I've come to know and love the past four years, good bye to dorm life (praise the LORD), good bye to many friends (perhaps for the last time for a while) and good bye to people who have had a huge impact on my life thus far- both academically and spiritually. It will be the most bitter-sweet day... similar to the day I left Northern Ireland, what a bitter bitter sweet day that was... and this will be no different really (minus the planes and customs and such).
Then, however, I will be going on a new and different path for my life! The summer will begin, which will not be a whole new thing really, I'll be working a cool fun job at a church! And hopefully having good time with good friends, and all the while preparing for my big move in August. In August I will be heading out to Portland, Oregon (!!) where I will be living for the next 2(+) years attending George Fox Seminary getting my masters in Spiritual Formation. From there I have no idea really... but that's okay- I don't even really know all about what will be happening over the summer and leading into the fall- to put it simply I will only be following the leading of God. I am looking forward to what is in store, for I have no idea what it is!
Anyways- that's all for now as I should be studying for math or philosophy or something :)
Peace be with you.
As of this coming Saturday, May 15th, around 5pm, I will officially be a graduate of Huntington University, with a Bachelor of Science in Missions. How exciting! I have two more tests to take and one presentation to give... so yay! I will be completely done with school work by 12:30pm on Thursday the 13th.
That is all factual information. Here is other stuff because I wanted to make a transition for the "statements" to not so... announcement sounding things because it was getting a bit boring, and I don't want graduation stuff to sound boring! Though, to be honest, sitting through commencement ceremonies can often be boring!! (hehehe) but this year, I will be walking across the stage when they say my name, then I will change the tassel from one side to the other (I don't really know which way yet... oops) and then I'll get my picture taken as they hand me my "diploma" (which is actually just a piece of paper saying they will give me my actual diploma later...) And then I also get to watch my friends and peers do the same thing! It's so cool. And then, pictures will be taken, hugs will be given all around and I'm sure some tears will be shed (not from me though of course...) and then there will be goodbyes... which is the crappiest part of graduation- saying good bye. Good bye to everything I've come to know and love the past four years, good bye to dorm life (praise the LORD), good bye to many friends (perhaps for the last time for a while) and good bye to people who have had a huge impact on my life thus far- both academically and spiritually. It will be the most bitter-sweet day... similar to the day I left Northern Ireland, what a bitter bitter sweet day that was... and this will be no different really (minus the planes and customs and such).
Then, however, I will be going on a new and different path for my life! The summer will begin, which will not be a whole new thing really, I'll be working a cool fun job at a church! And hopefully having good time with good friends, and all the while preparing for my big move in August. In August I will be heading out to Portland, Oregon (!!) where I will be living for the next 2(+) years attending George Fox Seminary getting my masters in Spiritual Formation. From there I have no idea really... but that's okay- I don't even really know all about what will be happening over the summer and leading into the fall- to put it simply I will only be following the leading of God. I am looking forward to what is in store, for I have no idea what it is!
Anyways- that's all for now as I should be studying for math or philosophy or something :)
Peace be with you.
Sunday, May 2, 2010
Dreams, desires, hopes...
So, I've been doing a lot of thinking recently, which isn't out of the ordinary- especially as a big change is coming and I'm dealing with pressures from multiple ends. Anyways, I was reading a different blog today and noticing a common thread... A lot of things have changed, a lot in my life, and in the lives of those close to me. I've seen people put all their hopes and dreams into one thing, like a major, or - more often- a relationship. I've watched more hearts get broken, demolished, or thrown away. I've seen people put all their dreams and wishes on one person, and it doesn't go well, whether it lasts, or whether it ends.
I could go on here, but my point with this blog, is to be careful... our Scriptures say to "guard your heart". I don't think I really knew what that meant until recently, but I've been able to recover and maintain my sanity and loving heart only because I have given my whole heart to God and God alone.This isn't to say that I haven't given of myself in a relationship- because in order to make something work you have to be willing to work and to give. Anyway- I could easily talk myself into a circle here, I just mean to be saying that I've kind of realized that we shouldn't be basing our hopes and dreams on one person here on this earth! Our everything should be based in the fullness of God! You find yourself asking "why God?! why is everything I've worked for, things I've put my hope in, set my dreams upon- why has it all been taken away!" good questions, valid in a time of hurt and sadness, but to learn from this- we are only to put our dreams and trust and hope in HIM!!
I could go on here, but my point with this blog, is to be careful... our Scriptures say to "guard your heart". I don't think I really knew what that meant until recently, but I've been able to recover and maintain my sanity and loving heart only because I have given my whole heart to God and God alone.This isn't to say that I haven't given of myself in a relationship- because in order to make something work you have to be willing to work and to give. Anyway- I could easily talk myself into a circle here, I just mean to be saying that I've kind of realized that we shouldn't be basing our hopes and dreams on one person here on this earth! Our everything should be based in the fullness of God! You find yourself asking "why God?! why is everything I've worked for, things I've put my hope in, set my dreams upon- why has it all been taken away!" good questions, valid in a time of hurt and sadness, but to learn from this- we are only to put our dreams and trust and hope in HIM!!
Saturday, April 24, 2010
3 weeks from today
So, today is the three weeks day. Exactly 3 weeks from today I shall be walking down a path with about 200 other seniors from Huntington University to walk across a stage when they call my name and receive my diploma. That's right, I'll be graduating (duh) but seriously how crazy is this?! Four years of sweat and tears and work and papers and tests... and all I get is a sheet of paper (okay not really but it kinda seems that way). It's a lot more than that... I've got experience and knowledge and understanding, I've grown in maturity and spirituality and in ways I can't possibly describe on here.
It's interesting to me how much can change in such a short time. I generally love and embrace change, I think it's fascinating, you cannot grow without change. There is, of course, a lot of change that isn't great. There is indeed change that seems impossible to bring about good. However, even the worst situations of change can be brought around and used for good. My first semester didn't really seem to bring about too much change, there was actually a lot of change (of course) but I seemed to fit right along with it all and I loved it. The second semester was a different story, it turned out that I didn't always handle change very well, but that was just the beginning and since then I have grown through more changes than I could possibly list. It's amazing how God teaches you so much through the toughest trials.
Anyway... post-college life for me will be a new change yet again! First for the summer I'll be working at Grace Community Church as an intern with the 0-3 children's ministry! That should be great! I'm also hoping to get a second job to work part time for a couple nights a week or something like that, because come this fall I am planning to move out to Portland, OR (or somewhere close to there) for grad school at George Fox Evangelical Seminary, getting my masters in Spiritual Formation. I am really excited about this! Pretty nervous too, but more so excited to see how God brings everything together and how I can continue to follow His will for me. I have hopes of where this would lead after about 3 years (not quite but close enough) but I really couldn't even begin to guess where God will lead me or what he would have me to do. All I can do is pray and be patient for when that time comes! If I've learned anything in these four years, I've learned that I can persevere through ANYTHING with the strength of Christ as my foothold.
Amen.
It's interesting to me how much can change in such a short time. I generally love and embrace change, I think it's fascinating, you cannot grow without change. There is, of course, a lot of change that isn't great. There is indeed change that seems impossible to bring about good. However, even the worst situations of change can be brought around and used for good. My first semester didn't really seem to bring about too much change, there was actually a lot of change (of course) but I seemed to fit right along with it all and I loved it. The second semester was a different story, it turned out that I didn't always handle change very well, but that was just the beginning and since then I have grown through more changes than I could possibly list. It's amazing how God teaches you so much through the toughest trials.
Anyway... post-college life for me will be a new change yet again! First for the summer I'll be working at Grace Community Church as an intern with the 0-3 children's ministry! That should be great! I'm also hoping to get a second job to work part time for a couple nights a week or something like that, because come this fall I am planning to move out to Portland, OR (or somewhere close to there) for grad school at George Fox Evangelical Seminary, getting my masters in Spiritual Formation. I am really excited about this! Pretty nervous too, but more so excited to see how God brings everything together and how I can continue to follow His will for me. I have hopes of where this would lead after about 3 years (not quite but close enough) but I really couldn't even begin to guess where God will lead me or what he would have me to do. All I can do is pray and be patient for when that time comes! If I've learned anything in these four years, I've learned that I can persevere through ANYTHING with the strength of Christ as my foothold.
Amen.
Monday, April 5, 2010
less than 6 weeks...
Until the day of my college graduation. The life I have known for about 22 years now... everything will change- again.
Funny thing is, change is not bad, I love it when things change and grow, because usually change turns out better in the end. Granted I've not always enjoyed the process, change is not fun to endure. Even more, this change is big, bigger than any other change I've experienced thus far in my short life. All that which was safe and secure will not be the same, and most of it will be no longer there. I will soon travel yet again to a new place, but in a different light than my last traveling experience. When I went to Northern Ireland, I had a small idea of what to expect, I knew that there would be people there to take care of me if I needed (which I did... haha)... to help me get my barrings and to learn the lay of the land. It was a brilliant experience, and I did learn to do many things for myself. When I go out to Oregon, however, it will be completely different. As far as I know, there will not be anyone out there to help me find the lay of the land. No one to help me figure something out if I get confused or lost. This is not necessarily bad, of course; for I know that I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me... but these unknowns leave me with some fears, some worries.
However, despite all these things- I am an not afraid, or worried, but rather I am excited to see where God takes me, this is indeed the "new adventure" that the woman on my plane ride home must have been talking about. :)
Funny thing is, change is not bad, I love it when things change and grow, because usually change turns out better in the end. Granted I've not always enjoyed the process, change is not fun to endure. Even more, this change is big, bigger than any other change I've experienced thus far in my short life. All that which was safe and secure will not be the same, and most of it will be no longer there. I will soon travel yet again to a new place, but in a different light than my last traveling experience. When I went to Northern Ireland, I had a small idea of what to expect, I knew that there would be people there to take care of me if I needed (which I did... haha)... to help me get my barrings and to learn the lay of the land. It was a brilliant experience, and I did learn to do many things for myself. When I go out to Oregon, however, it will be completely different. As far as I know, there will not be anyone out there to help me find the lay of the land. No one to help me figure something out if I get confused or lost. This is not necessarily bad, of course; for I know that I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me... but these unknowns leave me with some fears, some worries.
However, despite all these things- I am an not afraid, or worried, but rather I am excited to see where God takes me, this is indeed the "new adventure" that the woman on my plane ride home must have been talking about. :)
Saturday, March 27, 2010
A stroll down memory lane
Tonight I took a walk down memory lane
I was with some old friends
Reliving the good times, and the bad
the hurt and the tears
the giggles and smiles
Tonight I ran down memory lane
and I'm so glad to be back again.
I was with some old friends
Reliving the good times, and the bad
the hurt and the tears
the giggles and smiles
Tonight I ran down memory lane
and I'm so glad to be back again.
Tuesday, March 23, 2010
how do I do this?
Now that I know one reason why things have been so difficult lately, why I've been so lazy and expecting my friendships/relationships to work the same way they did before... How do I get to this place of putting in the effort again? I've noticed myself working a little harder with my closer friends, but what do I do outside of that? How can I work my mind into this combination of being a thinker and processor to also being conversational and relational again? I know this wont be a quick fix, because I imagine it wasn't a quick fall, this change was a process that started maybe halfway through PRIME and has been affecting my actions since I've been home.
I've been lazy, in more than just my relationships with my friends, but in my relationship with God. Everyone gets lazy and loses the desire to work hard or to really give Him our all, but does that make it okay, really? I don't think so. I think that God understands, and yes He is merciful, He forgives (if we forgive others...) but that doesn't mean it doesn't break His heart when we don't give Him even a portion of what He has given us. And yet as I say this, I ask myself the question, what does it really mean to "give our all" to Him... what does that look like? Yes, the easy answer here is that it shows in our thoughts and actions, the whole What Would Jesus Do thing... but, isn't it kind of more than that? Or isn't it at least broader than that?! Sometimes I don't take action because I'm devoting time to thinking- not like I pass up on an opportunity to sit and think... but that like, I spend more time pondering the truth, getting lost in the questions and the search of making my faith foundational, having a firm place to stand if someone were to ask me questions-- That takes time, I think God appreciates us taking the time to seek Him in that way too, right? If you disagree with me you better have a pretty good basis of why. That's all I have to say about that :)
Anyway- now that I've only got more questions... it's time for lunch.
I've been lazy, in more than just my relationships with my friends, but in my relationship with God. Everyone gets lazy and loses the desire to work hard or to really give Him our all, but does that make it okay, really? I don't think so. I think that God understands, and yes He is merciful, He forgives (if we forgive others...) but that doesn't mean it doesn't break His heart when we don't give Him even a portion of what He has given us. And yet as I say this, I ask myself the question, what does it really mean to "give our all" to Him... what does that look like? Yes, the easy answer here is that it shows in our thoughts and actions, the whole What Would Jesus Do thing... but, isn't it kind of more than that? Or isn't it at least broader than that?! Sometimes I don't take action because I'm devoting time to thinking- not like I pass up on an opportunity to sit and think... but that like, I spend more time pondering the truth, getting lost in the questions and the search of making my faith foundational, having a firm place to stand if someone were to ask me questions-- That takes time, I think God appreciates us taking the time to seek Him in that way too, right? If you disagree with me you better have a pretty good basis of why. That's all I have to say about that :)
Anyway- now that I've only got more questions... it's time for lunch.
Monday, March 22, 2010
a sudden realization
Sorry i'm posting again- it seems once I start I just can't stop :-p
Just now, thinking about some events that have taken place the past few weeks, and some things I've observed, and different thoughts I've had... I came upon a realization tonight: I know now why I'm at the moment afraid of relationships. I think I have worked my mindset into not having to put effort into friendships/relationships. Because in some way, it's supposed to be easier than when I was in Northern Ireland. I had to work on making friends there because no one knew me and I didn't know anyone. I had to put myself out there and allow the bad to come with the good. When I came back home, its like I forgot that my friendships here need effort too... I don't have fully perfected friendships where nothing bad happens. I've seen the ramifications of just pulling away from a friendship when things aren't okay- friendship and relationships are all about putting in the effort to make things work, pushing through the tougher times so that the good times are that much sweeter.
I can't believe I've been so dumb, so hypocritical recently. Well, let's just say- a change of mindset and action is in order.
Just now, thinking about some events that have taken place the past few weeks, and some things I've observed, and different thoughts I've had... I came upon a realization tonight: I know now why I'm at the moment afraid of relationships. I think I have worked my mindset into not having to put effort into friendships/relationships. Because in some way, it's supposed to be easier than when I was in Northern Ireland. I had to work on making friends there because no one knew me and I didn't know anyone. I had to put myself out there and allow the bad to come with the good. When I came back home, its like I forgot that my friendships here need effort too... I don't have fully perfected friendships where nothing bad happens. I've seen the ramifications of just pulling away from a friendship when things aren't okay- friendship and relationships are all about putting in the effort to make things work, pushing through the tougher times so that the good times are that much sweeter.
I can't believe I've been so dumb, so hypocritical recently. Well, let's just say- a change of mindset and action is in order.
Sunday, March 21, 2010
more thoughts
I was hoping to have some more finalized thoughts this time as I sat down... I remember thinking earlier that I had some solidification... but I have since lost it all. I am in the midst of reading "The Myth of Certainty" by Daniel Taylor and I gotta say it's really good. I'm resonating with it on many levels, and I actually think he's doing a good job of really looking at many different angels. The basis of the book is being a reflective Christian in the midst of the "traditional Christian" circles and the "intellectual secularist" circles. He discusses the good and the bad of both and is going into how can one find a balance between the two, and remain a reflective person with sanity intact. This book is definitely not for everyone. Many people who sit and take in and soak up every thing thrown at them, biblical or not, those who don't ask the tough questions for which there seems no answer-- this book is not for you, it is a tough book- rather difficult to read and challenging to today's Christian way of going about things.
The funny thing is- most of our "traditional" mindset about Christianity, is not very "traditional" at all... it has only been developed in this past century! (the 1900's) Christians have made themselves afraid... actually afraid of things that are simply deemed "secular" simply because they have been "deemed" secular-- God made everything to be good, most 'secular' things were originally intended for good! And by being afraid and avoiding those such things- we have allowed them to blossom into very not good things! Satan has gotten his way by monopolizing on the fear of Christians today... this cannot be allowed any longer. Ask yourself the tough questions. Search for the truth. Do not live in fear. Let us not allow Satan to have his way any longer.
The funny thing is- most of our "traditional" mindset about Christianity, is not very "traditional" at all... it has only been developed in this past century! (the 1900's) Christians have made themselves afraid... actually afraid of things that are simply deemed "secular" simply because they have been "deemed" secular-- God made everything to be good, most 'secular' things were originally intended for good! And by being afraid and avoiding those such things- we have allowed them to blossom into very not good things! Satan has gotten his way by monopolizing on the fear of Christians today... this cannot be allowed any longer. Ask yourself the tough questions. Search for the truth. Do not live in fear. Let us not allow Satan to have his way any longer.
Friday, March 19, 2010
It has been entirely too long
It has now been almost 4 months that I have been back in America... it feels like it has been much much longer than that. It's amazing how quickly time passes, and yet - at the same time - it seems like things happened so long ago. Every day I am reminded of something or someone from Northern Ireland, but I can feel the pull of every-day-life draining me of that experience. I am holding so tightly to the memories, and the things I learned, the friends I made... I don't want to let go, to "move on" in a full sense... yet I feel a sort of "inevitability" hanging over my head, something that continues to tug me in a direction, a pace in which I cannot spend time reminiscing about those times. I do not, by any means, dwell on these things, not in the unhealthy sense that is. I simply enjoy pulling from that 6 month- experience in which my entire world was different and my view-point and thought-processes grew and changed. This period of time was part of what really fashioned me into who I am now. God has used these experiences in so many good ways, even the worst times while there, the days and weeks when I was so down I didn't know what to do with myself. Those moments became so beautiful with how God used them to teach me more about Himself.
I understand that God is doing that with me here and now as well, but there was something different about it then, when I was there, I was so out of the norm of my life thus far... it was so different, and so challenging. Right now, I'm learning, I am being academically stretched, and I am being challenged with finding where I now fit. The difference here, though, is that I already had a place here, I've been here before, I know how things work, I know where places are, I can predict things, and simply go about my day without much thought.
This has, however, gotten me into some trouble. We were not made to live mindlessly... we were created to be mindful and use our brains- which I have academically. Outside the classroom and realm of homework- I'm a dud. I've seemed to be lacking in my once-great people skills. I've forgotten my ways of communication, how to move past small talk in a smooth and non-awkward fashion. How do I put my thoughts into words that make sense? How do I go beyond listening to someone and forming an adequate as well as honest response?
Anyways- this has turned out to be a very strange post- probably not very interesting to read... so if you've read this, all the way through, I'm sorry and well done =) Keep me in your prayers as I am financially and mentally preparing to graduate from Huntington University, and heading to George Fox Evangelical Seminary to get my Master's. God is truly taking me down this path as I have been able to see His hand working these pieces together amazingly. Even though I would have never imagined I'd be going to grad school after college.... crazy! Thanks so much friends and family. May God bless you all richly.
I understand that God is doing that with me here and now as well, but there was something different about it then, when I was there, I was so out of the norm of my life thus far... it was so different, and so challenging. Right now, I'm learning, I am being academically stretched, and I am being challenged with finding where I now fit. The difference here, though, is that I already had a place here, I've been here before, I know how things work, I know where places are, I can predict things, and simply go about my day without much thought.
This has, however, gotten me into some trouble. We were not made to live mindlessly... we were created to be mindful and use our brains- which I have academically. Outside the classroom and realm of homework- I'm a dud. I've seemed to be lacking in my once-great people skills. I've forgotten my ways of communication, how to move past small talk in a smooth and non-awkward fashion. How do I put my thoughts into words that make sense? How do I go beyond listening to someone and forming an adequate as well as honest response?
Anyways- this has turned out to be a very strange post- probably not very interesting to read... so if you've read this, all the way through, I'm sorry and well done =) Keep me in your prayers as I am financially and mentally preparing to graduate from Huntington University, and heading to George Fox Evangelical Seminary to get my Master's. God is truly taking me down this path as I have been able to see His hand working these pieces together amazingly. Even though I would have never imagined I'd be going to grad school after college.... crazy! Thanks so much friends and family. May God bless you all richly.
Saturday, January 30, 2010
So I'm posting a lot of blogs this week-
I guess there's just lots on my mind and I haven't found a better way to process things yet- but hey... blogging is good right? It's funny though, when I think about the vastly different array of people that read my blogs... it sometimes makes me a little cautious... not in a bad way- just that, I dunno... it makes me cautious. Anyways-----
Well, first week of classes, this often brings out some sort of crazy feelings from college students. I suppose we could say I am no different. It's funny though, because I don't really feel like I belong in the college realm any more- I don't like the thought of procrastinating, I'm feeling tired all the time *and I go to bed early!* and I just feel like I don't belong here. I know this is common and ordinary for us seniors who spent first semester on PRIME... it's how we all feel, every year the PRIMErs say the same things. So- okay I'm not alone in feeling this way-- somehow, it's really not helping. Another funny thing is - as I was looking through some job openings online, thinking about the future, I just kept feeling and thinking- I couldn't handle that job, or I don't have the right training for that! I would need help, at least for the first while. Then I thought, how does anyone just go and work some where, surely it's gotta be terrifying, to feel so incompetent all the time... not sure how to do things, how do you create programs that actually help people.
So- as I read what I just wrote... the thoughts I've been fighting all day- wow. Satan has such a good way at getting to some of our deepest fears and bringing them to the top of the kettle and watching it, hoping we boil over. I know something big is coming up soon in my life because Satan has been attacking many different little areas of my life this week. He's attacked my confidence, my self-esteem, my somewhat physical endurance, I've allowed all these things to tear at my trust, my faith that God actually works through my weaknesses. Can you believe that?! God actually works THROUGH our WEAKNESSES. Ponder this for a while, its late and I'm tired.
Live for HIS glory.
Well, first week of classes, this often brings out some sort of crazy feelings from college students. I suppose we could say I am no different. It's funny though, because I don't really feel like I belong in the college realm any more- I don't like the thought of procrastinating, I'm feeling tired all the time *and I go to bed early!* and I just feel like I don't belong here. I know this is common and ordinary for us seniors who spent first semester on PRIME... it's how we all feel, every year the PRIMErs say the same things. So- okay I'm not alone in feeling this way-- somehow, it's really not helping. Another funny thing is - as I was looking through some job openings online, thinking about the future, I just kept feeling and thinking- I couldn't handle that job, or I don't have the right training for that! I would need help, at least for the first while. Then I thought, how does anyone just go and work some where, surely it's gotta be terrifying, to feel so incompetent all the time... not sure how to do things, how do you create programs that actually help people.
So- as I read what I just wrote... the thoughts I've been fighting all day- wow. Satan has such a good way at getting to some of our deepest fears and bringing them to the top of the kettle and watching it, hoping we boil over. I know something big is coming up soon in my life because Satan has been attacking many different little areas of my life this week. He's attacked my confidence, my self-esteem, my somewhat physical endurance, I've allowed all these things to tear at my trust, my faith that God actually works through my weaknesses. Can you believe that?! God actually works THROUGH our WEAKNESSES. Ponder this for a while, its late and I'm tired.
Live for HIS glory.
Wednesday, January 27, 2010
Interesting thoughts
So, well, tonight there was chapel, it began with musical worship... I think it was 3 songs... I remember thinking as soon as they started - because of the song they were playing- how excited I was because it was a song that would have been played at Green Pastures. About the first couple lines in, however, all that excitement dropped because I realized that the community is entirely different. I love Huntington's community, I have grown a lot over my last four years here, because of the professors, fellow students, and other things that are present here at the university. I've found, though, that I've got nothing here compared to the community I witnessed and experienced in Northern Ireland. I understand that a lot of my feelings are based from my current re-adjusting to my 'home' culture... it's understandably hard after growing and learning so much in this other culture...
What has shocked me is that I still love where I am... I just wish I could pull from some of the things that Green Pastures expressed and get the people here to see and learn from them too! We lack the joy and excitement in our worship time. It's so sad... we were singing "Break Free" the words involved DANCE and FREE... yet nearly everyone was still... and of course I thought back to GP... where we would be jumping and dancing and clapping and shouting... not just because the music was awesome... but because our GOD is AWESOME-- more awesome than anything else in our minds. Yet... when we here come to worship this AWESOME God... we stand still and sing. We close our eyes sometimes, sometimes think about the words... but we don't show it. I understand that not everyone is comfortable.. some people 'just worship this way'... i get it, I can be that way.... but in a song that clearly exhibits the joy involved with being saved by GOD.... no joy being shown from us.... it's just sad. However, I understand some reasons why the passion and the joy is stronger at GP. The main reason is that generally... people who are attending Huntington University were saved at a young age, or if not... they generally would agree that they haven't lived the "worst" of lives. We have a hard time recognizing that we too are sinners, just as bad as those who commit murder or some other big awful crime. The members of Green Pastures have typically lived lives surrounded and filled with really tough circumstances that have helped them to see how awesome our God is for saving them. Also the members see that every sin committed is still a terrible sin in the eyes of God and they live accordingly... that even if I only ever committed one simple sin... I'd still go to Hell without Jesus to save me!! We don't live that way here... we know God saved us.. but do we know HOW much we NEEDED the saving? NO. It's a major failure on the part of Judeo-Christians... and it's something that I hope to be a part of the change - I just don't know how. But... those are my thoughts for the night-- I need to go write a paper.
Live for HIS glory.
What has shocked me is that I still love where I am... I just wish I could pull from some of the things that Green Pastures expressed and get the people here to see and learn from them too! We lack the joy and excitement in our worship time. It's so sad... we were singing "Break Free" the words involved DANCE and FREE... yet nearly everyone was still... and of course I thought back to GP... where we would be jumping and dancing and clapping and shouting... not just because the music was awesome... but because our GOD is AWESOME-- more awesome than anything else in our minds. Yet... when we here come to worship this AWESOME God... we stand still and sing. We close our eyes sometimes, sometimes think about the words... but we don't show it. I understand that not everyone is comfortable.. some people 'just worship this way'... i get it, I can be that way.... but in a song that clearly exhibits the joy involved with being saved by GOD.... no joy being shown from us.... it's just sad. However, I understand some reasons why the passion and the joy is stronger at GP. The main reason is that generally... people who are attending Huntington University were saved at a young age, or if not... they generally would agree that they haven't lived the "worst" of lives. We have a hard time recognizing that we too are sinners, just as bad as those who commit murder or some other big awful crime. The members of Green Pastures have typically lived lives surrounded and filled with really tough circumstances that have helped them to see how awesome our God is for saving them. Also the members see that every sin committed is still a terrible sin in the eyes of God and they live accordingly... that even if I only ever committed one simple sin... I'd still go to Hell without Jesus to save me!! We don't live that way here... we know God saved us.. but do we know HOW much we NEEDED the saving? NO. It's a major failure on the part of Judeo-Christians... and it's something that I hope to be a part of the change - I just don't know how. But... those are my thoughts for the night-- I need to go write a paper.
Live for HIS glory.
Monday, January 25, 2010
Don't Forget
Well I have officially entered back into the life of an undergrad college student... However this is my last semester as that person... with that as my identity. It has become apparent to me that though college life is often the time that most people my age search and "find" themselves the most-- I don't actually know if that's who I am.
I've realized that what actually shaped me and made me who I am was my PRIME experience... what I mean is that college definitely provided a learning environment for me to grown and define parts of my being- my personality, my passions and so on, but even as I look at the pictures I've put up on the wall I see that I was who I was the past three years because of the people around me. When I traveled to Northern Ireland, after having the past three years to begin to define me... I found that I was able to really become the person I'm meant to be, to be the person I want to be. College life caters to laziness. Real life- full time ministry- does not. I've found that I don't want to be this person who does or doesn't do things because she can get away with it... who procrastinates because she knows it'll get done when it needs to. I want to be the person who gets stuff done ahead of time because she can and wants to and who organizes things, but allows for changes in her schedule or in her plans and doesn't flip out about them. I want to be the person who makes room for anyone in need, but allows time to keep to herself and God- who takes care of herself in the necessary ways- but who also trusts that if she gives her all at any given time- HE will provide for her in every way. I want to live a life of balance... yet a life of fire for God.
I'm excited about the things God is bringing me to.. the doors He is opening before my eyes, and the trials and uproar that has come up against me as I try to follow HIM. I've been pushed down, beaten, torn, and numbed... but I haven't allowed that to take me off the course I feel led to. Let us not live our lives being torn from our call and that which may be in combat against that call... Let us not forget what God has called us to. Let us remember that if God has brought you to an open door, against all odds that seems perhaps impossible... maybe that is the exact door HE wants you to leap through...
so come on... leap with me.
I've realized that what actually shaped me and made me who I am was my PRIME experience... what I mean is that college definitely provided a learning environment for me to grown and define parts of my being- my personality, my passions and so on, but even as I look at the pictures I've put up on the wall I see that I was who I was the past three years because of the people around me. When I traveled to Northern Ireland, after having the past three years to begin to define me... I found that I was able to really become the person I'm meant to be, to be the person I want to be. College life caters to laziness. Real life- full time ministry- does not. I've found that I don't want to be this person who does or doesn't do things because she can get away with it... who procrastinates because she knows it'll get done when it needs to. I want to be the person who gets stuff done ahead of time because she can and wants to and who organizes things, but allows for changes in her schedule or in her plans and doesn't flip out about them. I want to be the person who makes room for anyone in need, but allows time to keep to herself and God- who takes care of herself in the necessary ways- but who also trusts that if she gives her all at any given time- HE will provide for her in every way. I want to live a life of balance... yet a life of fire for God.
I'm excited about the things God is bringing me to.. the doors He is opening before my eyes, and the trials and uproar that has come up against me as I try to follow HIM. I've been pushed down, beaten, torn, and numbed... but I haven't allowed that to take me off the course I feel led to. Let us not live our lives being torn from our call and that which may be in combat against that call... Let us not forget what God has called us to. Let us remember that if God has brought you to an open door, against all odds that seems perhaps impossible... maybe that is the exact door HE wants you to leap through...
so come on... leap with me.
Saturday, January 9, 2010
you're everywhere.
Okay... so I've been asked multiple times to get a new post up here... sorry it's only getting up now!!
I've been back in America for over a month now... over a month!! That just seems so crazy! It's sad... already certain memories have to be drawn out of me, rather than them just being on the tip of my mind... I often find myself sitting and thinking about something from my time there, just trying to hold on to it longer. It definitely warms my heart when I think about my friends there, and it amazes me how close you can feel to someone in that short amount of time, when you are spending every day together. I miss those that I worked with so very much. This past month has been one of great joy and reuniting, Christmas, wedding, etc... but it has also been a month of great sadness and great loneliness. I learned while I was in Northern Ireland, though, how to walk with God in the depth of my loneliness, and that has brought great strength in this time. I'm heading back to Huntington (Uni) on Sunday after church... and I'm so excited about it because I'll be around people all the time again. I gotta admit however, that I'm pretty nervous about it. I've been used to spending my days alone and having great times of silence and solitude, things I've never really enjoyed before, and even when I thought I might I never wanted to take the time to enjoy them, and so this change will be hard, and challenging. But it will be so good.
It's funny... Every time I'm out in public- like in a walmart or even just driving somewhere... I always see someone I think I know, but then realize it can't be because you live in a different country! You're not anywhere near here! But I see you all the time, and no, I'm not just speaking to one person... I've 'seen' so many of you from Green Pastures/The Wash Basin it almost is freakin me out! haha not really, but it is mad how often I have to take second glances.
So, as I am moving back to HU I'm realizing more and more that things are coming up very quickly. Real life things. and it makes me wish I could just go back a few years when I had independence but still was at liberty to live fairly carefree. Instead I'm looking at headin into the "real world" and its a scary looking place. Its true I have options out the wazoo as far as what to do next.... but I don't really know what I want. I thought I knew what I wanted but it looks like thats not whats going to happen, nor is it the best option apparently. But even more than that, I feel like I know what the best option is, I just don't know if thats something I'll really want to be doing still in a few years... Grad School, I feel that is what I will end up doing- honestly- and the masters degree I'm looking at getting at the school I'm looking at going to will take 3 years. 3 years of working and getting a masters, 3 years with probably a minimal social life, 3 years of getting involved in ministry 'on the side' as opposed to getting right into 'full time' ministry... is that really I want? Well, I think it is actually, I think I just feel like I should want the more exciting options (which I do...) but I think there are other things that are potentially more important than "the exciting" options... I think if i follow this path, it will inevitably lead to more and more exciting options that I will know that I must take and will fall right into place as God designs... He's left me with a choice here, and while my decision has by no means been made yet, I think I know what the better option is at this point in time...
I've been back in America for over a month now... over a month!! That just seems so crazy! It's sad... already certain memories have to be drawn out of me, rather than them just being on the tip of my mind... I often find myself sitting and thinking about something from my time there, just trying to hold on to it longer. It definitely warms my heart when I think about my friends there, and it amazes me how close you can feel to someone in that short amount of time, when you are spending every day together. I miss those that I worked with so very much. This past month has been one of great joy and reuniting, Christmas, wedding, etc... but it has also been a month of great sadness and great loneliness. I learned while I was in Northern Ireland, though, how to walk with God in the depth of my loneliness, and that has brought great strength in this time. I'm heading back to Huntington (Uni) on Sunday after church... and I'm so excited about it because I'll be around people all the time again. I gotta admit however, that I'm pretty nervous about it. I've been used to spending my days alone and having great times of silence and solitude, things I've never really enjoyed before, and even when I thought I might I never wanted to take the time to enjoy them, and so this change will be hard, and challenging. But it will be so good.
It's funny... Every time I'm out in public- like in a walmart or even just driving somewhere... I always see someone I think I know, but then realize it can't be because you live in a different country! You're not anywhere near here! But I see you all the time, and no, I'm not just speaking to one person... I've 'seen' so many of you from Green Pastures/The Wash Basin it almost is freakin me out! haha not really, but it is mad how often I have to take second glances.
So, as I am moving back to HU I'm realizing more and more that things are coming up very quickly. Real life things. and it makes me wish I could just go back a few years when I had independence but still was at liberty to live fairly carefree. Instead I'm looking at headin into the "real world" and its a scary looking place. Its true I have options out the wazoo as far as what to do next.... but I don't really know what I want. I thought I knew what I wanted but it looks like thats not whats going to happen, nor is it the best option apparently. But even more than that, I feel like I know what the best option is, I just don't know if thats something I'll really want to be doing still in a few years... Grad School, I feel that is what I will end up doing- honestly- and the masters degree I'm looking at getting at the school I'm looking at going to will take 3 years. 3 years of working and getting a masters, 3 years with probably a minimal social life, 3 years of getting involved in ministry 'on the side' as opposed to getting right into 'full time' ministry... is that really I want? Well, I think it is actually, I think I just feel like I should want the more exciting options (which I do...) but I think there are other things that are potentially more important than "the exciting" options... I think if i follow this path, it will inevitably lead to more and more exciting options that I will know that I must take and will fall right into place as God designs... He's left me with a choice here, and while my decision has by no means been made yet, I think I know what the better option is at this point in time...
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)