Tonight I took a walk down memory lane
I was with some old friends
Reliving the good times, and the bad
the hurt and the tears
the giggles and smiles
Tonight I ran down memory lane
and I'm so glad to be back again.
Saturday, March 27, 2010
Tuesday, March 23, 2010
how do I do this?
Now that I know one reason why things have been so difficult lately, why I've been so lazy and expecting my friendships/relationships to work the same way they did before... How do I get to this place of putting in the effort again? I've noticed myself working a little harder with my closer friends, but what do I do outside of that? How can I work my mind into this combination of being a thinker and processor to also being conversational and relational again? I know this wont be a quick fix, because I imagine it wasn't a quick fall, this change was a process that started maybe halfway through PRIME and has been affecting my actions since I've been home.
I've been lazy, in more than just my relationships with my friends, but in my relationship with God. Everyone gets lazy and loses the desire to work hard or to really give Him our all, but does that make it okay, really? I don't think so. I think that God understands, and yes He is merciful, He forgives (if we forgive others...) but that doesn't mean it doesn't break His heart when we don't give Him even a portion of what He has given us. And yet as I say this, I ask myself the question, what does it really mean to "give our all" to Him... what does that look like? Yes, the easy answer here is that it shows in our thoughts and actions, the whole What Would Jesus Do thing... but, isn't it kind of more than that? Or isn't it at least broader than that?! Sometimes I don't take action because I'm devoting time to thinking- not like I pass up on an opportunity to sit and think... but that like, I spend more time pondering the truth, getting lost in the questions and the search of making my faith foundational, having a firm place to stand if someone were to ask me questions-- That takes time, I think God appreciates us taking the time to seek Him in that way too, right? If you disagree with me you better have a pretty good basis of why. That's all I have to say about that :)
Anyway- now that I've only got more questions... it's time for lunch.
I've been lazy, in more than just my relationships with my friends, but in my relationship with God. Everyone gets lazy and loses the desire to work hard or to really give Him our all, but does that make it okay, really? I don't think so. I think that God understands, and yes He is merciful, He forgives (if we forgive others...) but that doesn't mean it doesn't break His heart when we don't give Him even a portion of what He has given us. And yet as I say this, I ask myself the question, what does it really mean to "give our all" to Him... what does that look like? Yes, the easy answer here is that it shows in our thoughts and actions, the whole What Would Jesus Do thing... but, isn't it kind of more than that? Or isn't it at least broader than that?! Sometimes I don't take action because I'm devoting time to thinking- not like I pass up on an opportunity to sit and think... but that like, I spend more time pondering the truth, getting lost in the questions and the search of making my faith foundational, having a firm place to stand if someone were to ask me questions-- That takes time, I think God appreciates us taking the time to seek Him in that way too, right? If you disagree with me you better have a pretty good basis of why. That's all I have to say about that :)
Anyway- now that I've only got more questions... it's time for lunch.
Monday, March 22, 2010
a sudden realization
Sorry i'm posting again- it seems once I start I just can't stop :-p
Just now, thinking about some events that have taken place the past few weeks, and some things I've observed, and different thoughts I've had... I came upon a realization tonight: I know now why I'm at the moment afraid of relationships. I think I have worked my mindset into not having to put effort into friendships/relationships. Because in some way, it's supposed to be easier than when I was in Northern Ireland. I had to work on making friends there because no one knew me and I didn't know anyone. I had to put myself out there and allow the bad to come with the good. When I came back home, its like I forgot that my friendships here need effort too... I don't have fully perfected friendships where nothing bad happens. I've seen the ramifications of just pulling away from a friendship when things aren't okay- friendship and relationships are all about putting in the effort to make things work, pushing through the tougher times so that the good times are that much sweeter.
I can't believe I've been so dumb, so hypocritical recently. Well, let's just say- a change of mindset and action is in order.
Just now, thinking about some events that have taken place the past few weeks, and some things I've observed, and different thoughts I've had... I came upon a realization tonight: I know now why I'm at the moment afraid of relationships. I think I have worked my mindset into not having to put effort into friendships/relationships. Because in some way, it's supposed to be easier than when I was in Northern Ireland. I had to work on making friends there because no one knew me and I didn't know anyone. I had to put myself out there and allow the bad to come with the good. When I came back home, its like I forgot that my friendships here need effort too... I don't have fully perfected friendships where nothing bad happens. I've seen the ramifications of just pulling away from a friendship when things aren't okay- friendship and relationships are all about putting in the effort to make things work, pushing through the tougher times so that the good times are that much sweeter.
I can't believe I've been so dumb, so hypocritical recently. Well, let's just say- a change of mindset and action is in order.
Sunday, March 21, 2010
more thoughts
I was hoping to have some more finalized thoughts this time as I sat down... I remember thinking earlier that I had some solidification... but I have since lost it all. I am in the midst of reading "The Myth of Certainty" by Daniel Taylor and I gotta say it's really good. I'm resonating with it on many levels, and I actually think he's doing a good job of really looking at many different angels. The basis of the book is being a reflective Christian in the midst of the "traditional Christian" circles and the "intellectual secularist" circles. He discusses the good and the bad of both and is going into how can one find a balance between the two, and remain a reflective person with sanity intact. This book is definitely not for everyone. Many people who sit and take in and soak up every thing thrown at them, biblical or not, those who don't ask the tough questions for which there seems no answer-- this book is not for you, it is a tough book- rather difficult to read and challenging to today's Christian way of going about things.
The funny thing is- most of our "traditional" mindset about Christianity, is not very "traditional" at all... it has only been developed in this past century! (the 1900's) Christians have made themselves afraid... actually afraid of things that are simply deemed "secular" simply because they have been "deemed" secular-- God made everything to be good, most 'secular' things were originally intended for good! And by being afraid and avoiding those such things- we have allowed them to blossom into very not good things! Satan has gotten his way by monopolizing on the fear of Christians today... this cannot be allowed any longer. Ask yourself the tough questions. Search for the truth. Do not live in fear. Let us not allow Satan to have his way any longer.
The funny thing is- most of our "traditional" mindset about Christianity, is not very "traditional" at all... it has only been developed in this past century! (the 1900's) Christians have made themselves afraid... actually afraid of things that are simply deemed "secular" simply because they have been "deemed" secular-- God made everything to be good, most 'secular' things were originally intended for good! And by being afraid and avoiding those such things- we have allowed them to blossom into very not good things! Satan has gotten his way by monopolizing on the fear of Christians today... this cannot be allowed any longer. Ask yourself the tough questions. Search for the truth. Do not live in fear. Let us not allow Satan to have his way any longer.
Friday, March 19, 2010
It has been entirely too long
It has now been almost 4 months that I have been back in America... it feels like it has been much much longer than that. It's amazing how quickly time passes, and yet - at the same time - it seems like things happened so long ago. Every day I am reminded of something or someone from Northern Ireland, but I can feel the pull of every-day-life draining me of that experience. I am holding so tightly to the memories, and the things I learned, the friends I made... I don't want to let go, to "move on" in a full sense... yet I feel a sort of "inevitability" hanging over my head, something that continues to tug me in a direction, a pace in which I cannot spend time reminiscing about those times. I do not, by any means, dwell on these things, not in the unhealthy sense that is. I simply enjoy pulling from that 6 month- experience in which my entire world was different and my view-point and thought-processes grew and changed. This period of time was part of what really fashioned me into who I am now. God has used these experiences in so many good ways, even the worst times while there, the days and weeks when I was so down I didn't know what to do with myself. Those moments became so beautiful with how God used them to teach me more about Himself.
I understand that God is doing that with me here and now as well, but there was something different about it then, when I was there, I was so out of the norm of my life thus far... it was so different, and so challenging. Right now, I'm learning, I am being academically stretched, and I am being challenged with finding where I now fit. The difference here, though, is that I already had a place here, I've been here before, I know how things work, I know where places are, I can predict things, and simply go about my day without much thought.
This has, however, gotten me into some trouble. We were not made to live mindlessly... we were created to be mindful and use our brains- which I have academically. Outside the classroom and realm of homework- I'm a dud. I've seemed to be lacking in my once-great people skills. I've forgotten my ways of communication, how to move past small talk in a smooth and non-awkward fashion. How do I put my thoughts into words that make sense? How do I go beyond listening to someone and forming an adequate as well as honest response?
Anyways- this has turned out to be a very strange post- probably not very interesting to read... so if you've read this, all the way through, I'm sorry and well done =) Keep me in your prayers as I am financially and mentally preparing to graduate from Huntington University, and heading to George Fox Evangelical Seminary to get my Master's. God is truly taking me down this path as I have been able to see His hand working these pieces together amazingly. Even though I would have never imagined I'd be going to grad school after college.... crazy! Thanks so much friends and family. May God bless you all richly.
I understand that God is doing that with me here and now as well, but there was something different about it then, when I was there, I was so out of the norm of my life thus far... it was so different, and so challenging. Right now, I'm learning, I am being academically stretched, and I am being challenged with finding where I now fit. The difference here, though, is that I already had a place here, I've been here before, I know how things work, I know where places are, I can predict things, and simply go about my day without much thought.
This has, however, gotten me into some trouble. We were not made to live mindlessly... we were created to be mindful and use our brains- which I have academically. Outside the classroom and realm of homework- I'm a dud. I've seemed to be lacking in my once-great people skills. I've forgotten my ways of communication, how to move past small talk in a smooth and non-awkward fashion. How do I put my thoughts into words that make sense? How do I go beyond listening to someone and forming an adequate as well as honest response?
Anyways- this has turned out to be a very strange post- probably not very interesting to read... so if you've read this, all the way through, I'm sorry and well done =) Keep me in your prayers as I am financially and mentally preparing to graduate from Huntington University, and heading to George Fox Evangelical Seminary to get my Master's. God is truly taking me down this path as I have been able to see His hand working these pieces together amazingly. Even though I would have never imagined I'd be going to grad school after college.... crazy! Thanks so much friends and family. May God bless you all richly.
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