So I'm posting a lot of blogs this week-

I guess there's just lots on my mind and I haven't found a better way to process things yet- but hey... blogging is good right? It's funny though, when I think about the vastly different array of people that read my blogs... it sometimes makes me a little cautious... not in a bad way- just that, I dunno... it makes me cautious. Anyways-----

Well, first week of classes, this often brings out some sort of crazy feelings from college students. I suppose we could say I am no different. It's funny though, because I don't really feel like I belong in the college realm any more- I don't like the thought of procrastinating, I'm feeling tired all the time *and I go to bed early!* and I just feel like I don't belong here. I know this is common and ordinary for us seniors who spent first semester on PRIME... it's how we all feel, every year the PRIMErs say the same things. So- okay I'm not alone in feeling this way-- somehow, it's really not helping. Another funny thing is - as I was looking through some job openings online, thinking about the future, I just kept feeling and thinking- I couldn't handle that job, or I don't have the right training for that! I would need help, at least for the first while. Then I thought, how does anyone just go and work some where, surely it's gotta be terrifying, to feel so incompetent all the time... not sure how to do things, how do you create programs that actually help people.

So- as I read what I just wrote... the thoughts I've been fighting all day- wow. Satan has such a good way at getting to some of our deepest fears and bringing them to the top of the kettle and watching it, hoping we boil over. I know something big is coming up soon in my life because Satan has been attacking many different little areas of my life this week. He's attacked my confidence, my self-esteem, my somewhat physical endurance, I've allowed all these things to tear at my trust, my faith that God actually works through my weaknesses. Can you believe that?! God actually works THROUGH our WEAKNESSES. Ponder this for a while, its late and I'm tired.

Live for HIS glory.

Interesting thoughts

So, well, tonight there was chapel, it began with musical worship... I think it was 3 songs... I remember thinking as soon as they started - because of the song they were playing- how excited I was because it was a song that would have been played at Green Pastures. About the first couple lines in, however, all that excitement dropped because I realized that the community is entirely different. I love Huntington's community, I have grown a lot over my last four years here, because of the professors, fellow students, and other things that are present here at the university. I've found, though, that I've got nothing here compared to the community I witnessed and experienced in Northern Ireland. I understand that a lot of my feelings are based from my current re-adjusting to my 'home' culture... it's understandably hard after growing and learning so much in this other culture...

What has shocked me is that I still love where I am... I just wish I could pull from some of the things that Green Pastures expressed and get the people here to see and learn from them too! We lack the joy and excitement in our worship time. It's so sad... we were singing "Break Free" the words involved DANCE and FREE... yet nearly everyone was still... and of course I thought back to GP... where we would be jumping and dancing and clapping and shouting... not just because the music was awesome... but because our GOD is AWESOME-- more awesome than anything else in our minds. Yet... when we here come to worship this AWESOME God... we stand still and sing. We close our eyes sometimes, sometimes think about the words... but we don't show it. I understand that not everyone is comfortable.. some people 'just worship this way'... i get it, I can be that way.... but in a song that clearly exhibits the joy involved with being saved by GOD.... no joy being shown from us.... it's just sad. However, I understand some reasons why the passion and the joy is stronger at GP. The main reason is that generally... people who are attending Huntington University were saved at a young age, or if not... they generally would agree that they haven't lived the "worst" of lives. We have a hard time recognizing that we too are sinners, just as bad as those who commit murder or some other big awful crime. The members of Green Pastures have typically lived lives surrounded and filled with really tough circumstances that have helped them to see how awesome our God is for saving them. Also the members see that every sin committed is still a terrible sin in the eyes of God and they live accordingly... that even if I only ever committed one simple sin... I'd still go to Hell without Jesus to save me!! We don't live that way here... we know God saved us.. but do we know HOW much we NEEDED the saving? NO. It's a major failure on the part of Judeo-Christians... and it's something that I hope to be a part of the change - I just don't know how. But... those are my thoughts for the night-- I need to go write a paper.

Live for HIS glory.

Don't Forget

Well I have officially entered back into the life of an undergrad college student... However this is my last semester as that person... with that as my identity. It has become apparent to me that though college life is often the time that most people my age search and "find" themselves the most-- I don't actually know if that's who I am.

I've realized that what actually shaped me and made me who I am was my PRIME experience... what I mean is that college definitely provided a learning environment for me to grown and define parts of my being- my personality, my passions and so on, but even as I look at the pictures I've put up on the wall I see that I was who I was the past three years because of the people around me. When I traveled to Northern Ireland, after having the past three years to begin to define me... I found that I was able to really become the person I'm meant to be, to be the person I want to be. College life caters to laziness. Real life- full time ministry- does not. I've found that I don't want to be this person who does or doesn't do things because she can get away with it... who procrastinates because she knows it'll get done when it needs to. I want to be the person who gets stuff done ahead of time because she can and wants to and who organizes things, but allows for changes in her schedule or in her plans and doesn't flip out about them. I want to be the person who makes room for anyone in need, but allows time to keep to herself and God- who takes care of herself in the necessary ways- but who also trusts that if she gives her all at any given time- HE will provide for her in every way. I want to live a life of balance... yet a life of fire for God.

I'm excited about the things God is bringing me to.. the doors He is opening before my eyes, and the trials and uproar that has come up against me as I try to follow HIM. I've been pushed down, beaten, torn, and numbed... but I haven't allowed that to take me off the course I feel led to. Let us not live our lives being torn from our call and that which may be in combat against that call... Let us not forget what God has called us to. Let us remember that if God has brought you to an open door, against all odds that seems perhaps impossible... maybe that is the exact door HE wants you to leap through...

so come on... leap with me.

you're everywhere.

Okay... so I've been asked multiple times to get a new post up here... sorry it's only getting up now!!

I've been back in America for over a month now... over a month!! That just seems so crazy! It's sad... already certain memories have to be drawn out of me, rather than them just being on the tip of my mind... I often find myself sitting and thinking about something from my time there, just trying to hold on to it longer. It definitely warms my heart when I think about my friends there, and it amazes me how close you can feel to someone in that short amount of time, when you are spending every day together. I miss those that I worked with so very much. This past month has been one of great joy and reuniting, Christmas, wedding, etc... but it has also been a month of great sadness and great loneliness. I learned while I was in Northern Ireland, though, how to walk with God in the depth of my loneliness, and that has brought great strength in this time. I'm heading back to Huntington (Uni) on Sunday after church... and I'm so excited about it because I'll be around people all the time again. I gotta admit however, that I'm pretty nervous about it. I've been used to spending my days alone and having great times of silence and solitude, things I've never really enjoyed before, and even when I thought I might I never wanted to take the time to enjoy them, and so this change will be hard, and challenging. But it will be so good.

It's funny... Every time I'm out in public- like in a walmart or even just driving somewhere... I always see someone I think I know, but then realize it can't be because you live in a different country! You're not anywhere near here! But I see you all the time, and no, I'm not just speaking to one person... I've 'seen' so many of you from Green Pastures/The Wash Basin it almost is freakin me out! haha not really, but it is mad how often I have to take second glances.

So, as I am moving back to HU I'm realizing more and more that things are coming up very quickly. Real life things. and it makes me wish I could just go back a few years when I had independence but still was at liberty to live fairly carefree. Instead I'm looking at headin into the "real world" and its a scary looking place. Its true I have options out the wazoo as far as what to do next.... but I don't really know what I want. I thought I knew what I wanted but it looks like thats not whats going to happen, nor is it the best option apparently. But even more than that, I feel like I know what the best option is, I just don't know if thats something I'll really want to be doing still in a few years... Grad School, I feel that is what I will end up doing- honestly- and the masters degree I'm looking at getting at the school I'm looking at going to will take 3 years. 3 years of working and getting a masters, 3 years with probably a minimal social life, 3 years of getting involved in ministry 'on the side' as opposed to getting right into 'full time' ministry... is that really I want? Well, I think it is actually, I think I just feel like I should want the more exciting options (which I do...) but I think there are other things that are potentially more important than "the exciting" options... I think if i follow this path, it will inevitably lead to more and more exciting options that I will know that I must take and will fall right into place as God designs... He's left me with a choice here, and while my decision has by no means been made yet, I think I know what the better option is at this point in time...