A stroll down memory lane

Tonight I took a walk down memory lane
I was with some old friends
Reliving the good times, and the bad
the hurt and the tears
the giggles and smiles
Tonight I ran down memory lane
and I'm so glad to be back again.

how do I do this?

Now that I know one reason why things have been so difficult lately, why I've been so lazy and expecting my friendships/relationships to work the same way they did before... How do I get to this place of putting in the effort again? I've noticed myself working a little harder with my closer friends, but what do I do outside of that? How can I work my mind into this combination of being a thinker and processor to also being conversational and relational again? I know this wont be a quick fix, because I imagine it wasn't a quick fall, this change was a process that started maybe halfway through PRIME and has been affecting my actions since I've been home.

I've been lazy, in more than just my relationships with my friends, but in my relationship with God. Everyone gets lazy and loses the desire to work hard or to really give Him our all, but does that make it okay, really? I don't think so. I think that God understands, and yes He is merciful, He forgives (if we forgive others...) but that doesn't mean it doesn't break His heart when we don't give Him even a portion of what He has given us. And yet as I say this, I ask myself the question, what does it really mean to "give our all" to Him... what does that look like? Yes, the easy answer here is that it shows in our thoughts and actions, the whole What Would Jesus Do thing... but, isn't it kind of more than that? Or isn't it at least broader than that?! Sometimes I don't take action because I'm devoting time to thinking- not like I pass up on an opportunity to sit and think... but that like, I spend more time pondering the truth, getting lost in the questions and the search of making my faith foundational, having a firm place to stand if someone were to ask me questions-- That takes time, I think God appreciates us taking the time to seek Him in that way too, right? If you disagree with me you better have a pretty good basis of why. That's all I have to say about that :)

Anyway- now that I've only got more questions... it's time for lunch.

a sudden realization

Sorry i'm posting again- it seems once I start I just can't stop :-p

Just now, thinking about some events that have taken place the past few weeks, and some things I've observed, and different thoughts I've had... I came upon a realization tonight: I know now why I'm at the moment afraid of relationships. I think I have worked my mindset into not having to put effort into friendships/relationships. Because in some way, it's supposed to be easier than when I was in Northern Ireland. I had to work on making friends there because no one knew me and I didn't know anyone. I had to put myself out there and allow the bad to come with the good. When I came back home, its like I forgot that my friendships here need effort too... I don't have fully perfected friendships where nothing bad happens. I've seen the ramifications of just pulling away from a friendship when things aren't okay- friendship and relationships are all about putting in the effort to make things work, pushing through the tougher times so that the good times are that much sweeter.

I can't believe I've been so dumb, so hypocritical recently. Well, let's just say- a change of mindset and action is in order.

more thoughts

I was hoping to have some more finalized thoughts this time as I sat down... I remember thinking earlier that I had some solidification... but I have since lost it all. I am in the midst of reading "The Myth of Certainty" by Daniel Taylor and I gotta say it's really good. I'm resonating with it on many levels, and I actually think he's doing a good job of really looking at many different angels. The basis of the book is being a reflective Christian in the midst of the "traditional Christian" circles and the "intellectual secularist" circles. He discusses the good and the bad of both and is going into how can one find a balance between the two, and remain a reflective person with sanity intact. This book is definitely not for everyone. Many people who sit and take in and soak up every thing thrown at them, biblical or not, those who don't ask the tough questions for which there seems no answer-- this book is not for you, it is a tough book- rather difficult to read and challenging to today's Christian way of going about things.

The funny thing is- most of our "traditional" mindset about Christianity, is not very "traditional" at all... it has only been developed in this past century! (the 1900's) Christians have made themselves afraid... actually afraid of things that are simply deemed "secular" simply because they have been "deemed" secular-- God made everything to be good, most 'secular' things were originally intended for good! And by being afraid and avoiding those such things- we have allowed them to blossom into very not good things! Satan has gotten his way by monopolizing on the fear of Christians today... this cannot be allowed any longer. Ask yourself the tough questions. Search for the truth. Do not live in fear. Let us not allow Satan to have his way any longer.

It has been entirely too long

It has now been almost 4 months that I have been back in America... it feels like it has been much much longer than that. It's amazing how quickly time passes, and yet - at the same time - it seems like things happened so long ago. Every day I am reminded of something or someone from Northern Ireland, but I can feel the pull of every-day-life draining me of that experience. I am holding so tightly to the memories, and the things I learned, the friends I made... I don't want to let go, to "move on" in a full sense... yet I feel a sort of "inevitability" hanging over my head, something that continues to tug me in a direction, a pace in which I cannot spend time reminiscing about those times. I do not, by any means, dwell on these things, not in the unhealthy sense that is. I simply enjoy pulling from that 6 month- experience in which my entire world was different and my view-point and thought-processes grew and changed. This period of time was part of what really fashioned me into who I am now. God has used these experiences in so many good ways, even the worst times while there, the days and weeks when I was so down I didn't know what to do with myself. Those moments became so beautiful with how God used them to teach me more about Himself.

I understand that God is doing that with me here and now as well, but there was something different about it then, when I was there, I was so out of the norm of my life thus far... it was so different, and so challenging. Right now, I'm learning, I am being academically stretched, and I am being challenged with finding where I now fit. The difference here, though, is that I already had a place here, I've been here before, I know how things work, I know where places are, I can predict things, and simply go about my day without much thought.
This has, however, gotten me into some trouble. We were not made to live mindlessly... we were created to be mindful and use our brains- which I have academically. Outside the classroom and realm of homework- I'm a dud. I've seemed to be lacking in my once-great people skills. I've forgotten my ways of communication, how to move past small talk in a smooth and non-awkward fashion. How do I put my thoughts into words that make sense? How do I go beyond listening to someone and forming an adequate as well as honest response?


Anyways- this has turned out to be a very strange post- probably not very interesting to read... so if you've read this, all the way through, I'm sorry and well done =) Keep me in your prayers as I am financially and mentally preparing to graduate from Huntington University, and heading to George Fox Evangelical Seminary to get my Master's. God is truly taking me down this path as I have been able to see His hand working these pieces together amazingly. Even though I would have never imagined I'd be going to grad school after college.... crazy! Thanks so much friends and family. May God bless you all richly.

So I'm posting a lot of blogs this week-

I guess there's just lots on my mind and I haven't found a better way to process things yet- but hey... blogging is good right? It's funny though, when I think about the vastly different array of people that read my blogs... it sometimes makes me a little cautious... not in a bad way- just that, I dunno... it makes me cautious. Anyways-----

Well, first week of classes, this often brings out some sort of crazy feelings from college students. I suppose we could say I am no different. It's funny though, because I don't really feel like I belong in the college realm any more- I don't like the thought of procrastinating, I'm feeling tired all the time *and I go to bed early!* and I just feel like I don't belong here. I know this is common and ordinary for us seniors who spent first semester on PRIME... it's how we all feel, every year the PRIMErs say the same things. So- okay I'm not alone in feeling this way-- somehow, it's really not helping. Another funny thing is - as I was looking through some job openings online, thinking about the future, I just kept feeling and thinking- I couldn't handle that job, or I don't have the right training for that! I would need help, at least for the first while. Then I thought, how does anyone just go and work some where, surely it's gotta be terrifying, to feel so incompetent all the time... not sure how to do things, how do you create programs that actually help people.

So- as I read what I just wrote... the thoughts I've been fighting all day- wow. Satan has such a good way at getting to some of our deepest fears and bringing them to the top of the kettle and watching it, hoping we boil over. I know something big is coming up soon in my life because Satan has been attacking many different little areas of my life this week. He's attacked my confidence, my self-esteem, my somewhat physical endurance, I've allowed all these things to tear at my trust, my faith that God actually works through my weaknesses. Can you believe that?! God actually works THROUGH our WEAKNESSES. Ponder this for a while, its late and I'm tired.

Live for HIS glory.

Interesting thoughts

So, well, tonight there was chapel, it began with musical worship... I think it was 3 songs... I remember thinking as soon as they started - because of the song they were playing- how excited I was because it was a song that would have been played at Green Pastures. About the first couple lines in, however, all that excitement dropped because I realized that the community is entirely different. I love Huntington's community, I have grown a lot over my last four years here, because of the professors, fellow students, and other things that are present here at the university. I've found, though, that I've got nothing here compared to the community I witnessed and experienced in Northern Ireland. I understand that a lot of my feelings are based from my current re-adjusting to my 'home' culture... it's understandably hard after growing and learning so much in this other culture...

What has shocked me is that I still love where I am... I just wish I could pull from some of the things that Green Pastures expressed and get the people here to see and learn from them too! We lack the joy and excitement in our worship time. It's so sad... we were singing "Break Free" the words involved DANCE and FREE... yet nearly everyone was still... and of course I thought back to GP... where we would be jumping and dancing and clapping and shouting... not just because the music was awesome... but because our GOD is AWESOME-- more awesome than anything else in our minds. Yet... when we here come to worship this AWESOME God... we stand still and sing. We close our eyes sometimes, sometimes think about the words... but we don't show it. I understand that not everyone is comfortable.. some people 'just worship this way'... i get it, I can be that way.... but in a song that clearly exhibits the joy involved with being saved by GOD.... no joy being shown from us.... it's just sad. However, I understand some reasons why the passion and the joy is stronger at GP. The main reason is that generally... people who are attending Huntington University were saved at a young age, or if not... they generally would agree that they haven't lived the "worst" of lives. We have a hard time recognizing that we too are sinners, just as bad as those who commit murder or some other big awful crime. The members of Green Pastures have typically lived lives surrounded and filled with really tough circumstances that have helped them to see how awesome our God is for saving them. Also the members see that every sin committed is still a terrible sin in the eyes of God and they live accordingly... that even if I only ever committed one simple sin... I'd still go to Hell without Jesus to save me!! We don't live that way here... we know God saved us.. but do we know HOW much we NEEDED the saving? NO. It's a major failure on the part of Judeo-Christians... and it's something that I hope to be a part of the change - I just don't know how. But... those are my thoughts for the night-- I need to go write a paper.

Live for HIS glory.