3 weeks

In 3 weeks I will be on the road, halfway to Oregon- how crazy is that!!!?

Continuously Learning

Multiple times in this past week alone I have heard the phrase "Leaders are Readers" or another version "Leaders are Learners".... These sayings say something important about growing and becoming a leader, it's not to say that just by reading, or learning, you will be a leader, but it is nearly certain that if you don't do these things... you wont be a leader. So, that's pretty interesting, because not only have I read that in a book about leadership this week, but I heard it in a Wednesday night event- from a senior who just graduated high school, but also from a middle school pastor and the female middle school leader. So, really, it is good that I'm going to seminary- to continue my learning! ha anyway- that was my random thought for the day.

I don't know if you know this, but I'm nervous about moving to Oregon in August. I'm afraid that I wont make it, that I wont be able to fit in, to make good friends, and I'll feel lonely a lot. And thinking about this sometimes makes me worry about leaving everyone here... family and friends and such... and sometimes when I worry like that, I can easily just make myself feel so busy that I don't allow myself to have the time to be with said friends and family... and well, its just crazy to be honest. Anyway- I totally lost my train of though there for a while... ha- so I was hanging out with a friend the other day, and talking about how it might be the last time we get to see each other for maybe 2 or even 3 years... and it was like- woah. But then he said something that stuck with me- in conversation with a friend of his he said "we're just going to hang out, enjoy life together while we can" (or well something along those lines) and then I was just like... oh my goodness... how could I just forget that? My job, my goal right now is just to enjoy life with those I can- those right in front of me. Just another example of how I am continuously learning. Praise the Lord.

In His Glory.

Passion

So I'm currently reading this book for my summer internship, called Leadership Essenials for Children's Ministry. The first section is about Passion, why it's important, some ways it has been "poisened" and how to produce a healthy passion. Something that has really gotten to me about this first section is the passion "poiseners" which include : Familiarity; Coolness; Uncertainty; Rambling; and Hardness. The biggest hit to my stance was "uncertainty" - now to be honest, these were not the best names for the topic he describes, but whatever. Anyway, he talks about being unfocused, in our ministry and in our life. If you are certain, then you should be focused and thus passionate about your ministry! (My paraphrasing)
I highighted these words that really hit me: "Without focus, there's no reason to get up in the morning. It's just another 9-5 day, or another Sunday.... Our focus is extremely important; if we have nothing to live for, it really doesn't matter how long our lives are. so we have to choose... to say "my focus is here.."

It just... I don't know, it hit me in a way that sort of shook me... have I been unfocused for so long? Is that why I never want to get up in the morning, even when Ive gotten great amounts of sleep consistently? Have I allowed myself to just drift off into this limbo area where I don't really know what I am doing, I'm just going about my duties? I don't want to live this way... and neither should you!! How do we fix it? Well, I'm not sure... get focused...? I'll let you know as I read further :)

in Him

I Love You More...

I love you more
than the sun and the stars
that I taught how to shine
you are mine and you shine for me too
I love you
Yesterday and today and tomorrow
I'll say it again and again
I love you more...

This song... well, besides being cheesy and what I would normally consider not a very good song- has captured my heart. I wont go into the detail of my history with this song- which is by Matthew West- but I will say that God has used this song in my life, powerfully. "Just a face in the city, just a tear on a crowded street- but you are one in a million, and you belong to me! and I want you to know, I am not letting go, even when you come undone these words are.. well they leave me speechless. Anyway-- the reason for bringing this up is because this song was played in Zone23 worship tonight (2nd and 3rd grade worship time tonight at Grace Community Church) and at first I was like- oh this song... but then I remembered, and all of the sudden I was holding back a wall of tears... tears from the past with this lesson, and tears from the dire need for this lesson yet again. I am loved. It's funny how easily my heart forgets this- I know, I know God loves me, and I could list off a whole bunch of stuff saying how I know God loves me and such- but-- I still forget that he loves me. Anyway- that's what I re-learned tonight- and no I didn't cry in front of kids that don't know me :) hehe I held it together. But, it's really important for us not to forget this, because so many detrimental things happen when we make choices forgetting how much we are loved by our God... He loves us more than we can imagine! There is much more I could say-- if you want the story on why the song means so much to me, email me, message me on facebook, whatever, somehow let me know and I will find a more personal way to tell you...

May God sow seeds of blessing and love in your hearts, to grow and exceedingly bless those around you- all for His Glory!

ready, realizations, and (hopeful) renewal

Well, I shall go in order of the title :) first- I'm ready... I was ready to be done with college- not necessarily ready to leave great friends, but ready to move on to greater things, a new adventure, a change really... and I still am ready- ready and waiting... I love my family, and I love my home, but I sometimes feel squished.... uh a better word for which I am searching .... squelched? I don't know, either way I sort of feel like I can't really reach my fullness here... and it's no one's fault, except for maybe my own... but when i'm home, in the area and churches and people groups that I've grown up in, I feel like I should still be a young person- in high school- who doesn't know anything, who doesn't have a place to say anything of real value, and I just can't really work in a place where I feel this way... and, so I'm ready- ready to move on and live... yeah, I'm sure I could do some more about that while I'm still here, and I hope working at Grace Community Church will help me in this, getting involved in something greater than myself, giving back to God and those around me, I know this will help, and i am greatly looking forward to Monday for this reason. :)

This past semester has been really rough, and I haven't really been able to fully understand why I've been struggling so much with self-confidence, self-esteem and even liking myself... and I've struggled with why I keep feeling this way, I know that God has made me to be a wonderful woman of God, striving for His heart, striving to follow where He leads. Yet I often feel like the lowest of lowest, filth, trash. I know Paul talks of being the worst of sinners, and we as Christians view that as a noble thought. The way I see it, however, degrading oneself is not noble... in anyway. Humility, yes, self-loathing, no. I was/have been on the verge of self-loathing, and I couldn't figure out why... I'm not normally one to think so very low of myself... I love and treasure who God has made me to be... why have I suddenly lost that? Well, it took me all of about 5 months to realize it but I think I've put another piece to that puzzle... I've caused pain, in people I cared deeply about, I unintentionally caused a pain deeper than I can imagine, and the whole semester was really one giant daily, moment by moment of that, how I caused pain, I broke a person, and not only did it effect that one person, but the ramifications spread across a large group of people, and each day was another story of how what I'd done had hurt someone else... The thing is... I still know that I did the right thing, I followed my heart in what I knew I needed to do, what would bring about God's will for my life.

The cool thing is with realizing this piece of the puzzle, I can have the hope for renewal in my life, the hope for a change, a new-found peace, knowing that I didn't do wrong, sometimes evil and pain just comes, and we truly don't have an explanation. We don't know why bad things happen, we can only try to guess at reasons and purposes that can come out of the evil we face and experience. Nonetheless, we cannot live in a way that we constantly blame ourselves- without room for grace and redemption through Jesus Christ. It is only destructive to continue on the path I was on, and I know many who have been or are even still on that path- and this is to all of us... this path of self-pity, self-loathing is only one of pain and destruction, and it is not the road that God wants us to be on- Yes His path is a difficult one to tread as well, but the focus of that path is on HIM not on our own lowliness and worthlessness, but on His righteousness and glory! Partner with me to walk off this stupid path of destruction to return to the path of love and righteousness, the difficult but worth path of the Lord. I can't do it on my own.

To God be the glory.

saturday!

woo hoo it's so soon!! :)

As of this coming Saturday, May 15th, around 5pm, I will officially be a graduate of Huntington University, with a Bachelor of Science in Missions. How exciting! I have two more tests to take and one presentation to give... so yay! I will be completely done with school work by 12:30pm on Thursday the 13th.

That is all factual information. Here is other stuff because I wanted to make a transition for the "statements" to not so... announcement sounding things because it was getting a bit boring, and I don't want graduation stuff to sound boring! Though, to be honest, sitting through commencement ceremonies can often be boring!! (hehehe) but this year, I will be walking across the stage when they say my name, then I will change the tassel from one side to the other (I don't really know which way yet... oops) and then I'll get my picture taken as they hand me my "diploma" (which is actually just a piece of paper saying they will give me my actual diploma later...) And then I also get to watch my friends and peers do the same thing! It's so cool. And then, pictures will be taken, hugs will be given all around and I'm sure some tears will be shed (not from me though of course...) and then there will be goodbyes... which is the crappiest part of graduation- saying good bye. Good bye to everything I've come to know and love the past four years, good bye to dorm life (praise the LORD), good bye to many friends (perhaps for the last time for a while) and good bye to people who have had a huge impact on my life thus far- both academically and spiritually. It will be the most bitter-sweet day... similar to the day I left Northern Ireland, what a bitter bitter sweet day that was... and this will be no different really (minus the planes and customs and such).

Then, however, I will be going on a new and different path for my life! The summer will begin, which will not be a whole new thing really, I'll be working a cool fun job at a church! And hopefully having good time with good friends, and all the while preparing for my big move in August. In August I will be heading out to Portland, Oregon (!!) where I will be living for the next 2(+) years attending George Fox Seminary getting my masters in Spiritual Formation. From there I have no idea really... but that's okay- I don't even really know all about what will be happening over the summer and leading into the fall- to put it simply I will only be following the leading of God. I am looking forward to what is in store, for I have no idea what it is!

Anyways- that's all for now as I should be studying for math or philosophy or something :)


Peace be with you.

Dreams, desires, hopes...

So, I've been doing a lot of thinking recently, which isn't out of the ordinary- especially as a big change is coming and I'm dealing with pressures from multiple ends. Anyways, I was reading a different blog today and noticing a common thread... A lot of things have changed, a lot in my life, and in the lives of those close to me. I've seen people put all their hopes and dreams into one thing, like a major, or - more often- a relationship. I've watched more hearts get broken, demolished, or thrown away. I've seen people put all their dreams and wishes on one person, and it doesn't go well, whether it lasts, or whether it ends.
I could go on here, but my point with this blog, is to be careful... our Scriptures say to "guard your heart". I don't think I really knew what that meant until recently, but I've been able to recover and maintain my sanity and loving heart only because I have given my whole heart to God and God alone.This isn't to say that I haven't given of myself in a relationship- because in order to make something work you have to be willing to work and to give. Anyway- I could easily talk myself into a circle here, I just mean to be saying that I've kind of realized that we shouldn't be basing our hopes and dreams on one person here on this earth! Our everything should be based in the fullness of God! You find yourself asking "why God?! why is everything I've worked for, things I've put my hope in, set my dreams upon- why has it all been taken away!" good questions, valid in a time of hurt and sadness, but to learn from this- we are only to put our dreams and trust and hope in HIM!!